Today, I am going to share something from my personal journal that I wrote on 1-18-11. This is painful, but I am sharing this bits from my journal, because my entire reason for writing this blog is to be of a help to someone else. I don't want to waste my pain. I want to help others. Maybe you feel that you are facing something that is totally impossible, but I want to show you that when you can trust God, that all things are possible.
January 18,2011 11:49 pm
My dear Abba,
Tonight has been a rough night for Curtis. Actually all day has been rough. Today was the last day of experimental treatment. But it was hard. and seeing my husband so disoriented and confused is so hard to bear and watch.
Daddy, oh my Daddy (my reference to my Father God) I am so torn. I want to see him whole and walking in your power and your anointing - yet i hate to see him suffer so much. I am in between two feelings. If I am doubting, I ask you to reveal it to me. IF I am sensing correctly, then I want to know.
Oh my Daddy, continue to pour out your love and mercy to both of us. Let me face whatever I must face - in your strength and never my own. You are my source and my supplier of every good thing.
I love you so much my dear Abba- I know that whatever lies ahead - I can conquer and face because of you.
I love you-my heart is yours,
Hindsight is 20/20 they say, but looking back now, I wouldn't have said anything different in this journal entry. Every day, my heavenly Father carried me. Days I was very weak emotionally, but He carried me. He strengthened me. I could not have imagined even 5 years ago that I would be able to walk through the traumatic death of my husband, and be able to write about it to encourage others.
If you gain anything by reading my thoughts and feelings, my prayer is that you will glimpse into my heart, and see that faith is simply trusting God. Believing His word, when it says that he will cause all things to work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose. I pray that you will know that it is possible to trust Him. It is possible to walk by faith and not by sight. Even when the ending is not what we thought it should have been, we can still overcome. I am not a super-christian, I make mistakes all the time. I blow it, I find myself wallowing in pity. But when the dust settles, what makes me an overcomer is when i get back up and run to my Father and not away from Him. No matter what.
You can do the same. it is a choice. Choose wisely.