Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I am not alone..

Through the lonely times that I am already beginning to experience, I constantly have to bring my mind back around and get my focus back on the fact that I am never really alone.  Yes, I have my kids and my family, my friends.  But my Abba Father is truly with me.  I am finding that while I do have to work through this process of grief, I have to keep my eyes on the bigger picture as well. As the old saying, it is hard to see the forest for the trees.  There are days that all I can see if the biggest tree of all- that Curtis is dead.  

There are times when I feel like it just happened yesterday, and times that I feel it happened 6 months ago.  My therapist told me that was normal, and also later on, I will remember more of the good memories, rather than the horrible images that I have in my head when he struggled so bad the last 48 hours of his life.  I sure hope so, cause I don't like seeing him in my head struggling to breathe, and being incoherent.  It was so hard.  I think today that I will print up a picture of him BC (before cancer) and put that in my line of sight. 

Valentine's Day was rough.. I felt like screaming to the world, "DON'T YOU KNOW MY VALENTINE IS NOT HERE WITH ME??? WHY ARE YOU CELEBRATING?????"  yeah, I know sounds foolish, but it ran through my  mind more than once.  Looking at everyone celebrating and enjoying their lovers and thinking that they whole world should stop celebrating because of my loss.  but thankfully, Life truly does go on.  I wouldn't really want the world to stop just because of me.  It is in seeing life going on that I can go on.  

Back to seeing the bigger picture.  I know that God is stirring and moving on the inside of me.  He began this process a long while back, He knew how this was going to turn out with Curtis, and He began preparing me when Curtis received the diagnosis last June.  The day the doctor came out and told me that yes it was malignant melanoma, God asked me this question.  "Will you trust me with Curtis?"  Instead of the knee-jerk reaction that most of us as Christians would say, OF COURSE!, I let it sink down deep inside, and after a few days, I promised God that every day I would make a new commitment to trust Him with Curtis.  Many times, I had to renew that commitment multiple times throughout the day, and there were days that I failed miserably.  But still today, I am making that daily decision to trust Him with Curtis, with my kids, with me.  
Isn't that really what faith is?  Trusting the Father?  

So the bigger picture is still out of focus for me, just being honest.  but getting glimpses of it and I like what I am seeing.  

1 comment:

  1. Renae,

    Wow, I am so impressed. I remember feeling what you are feeling..looking at the world and wanting to scream..how can you laugh and joke, I am in pain, I am hurting, my loved one is dead. I wonder, have you thought about writing a book? Your words have so much healing in them and could benefit so many. I will continue to lift you and your children up in my prayers often. It is obvious that your Abba Father is carrying you through this grief process, how much He loves us! I will specifically ask God to erase the picture of Curtis struggling and replace it with pictures of Curtis smiling and rejoicing with you.

    Love you dear one,