Friday, February 11, 2011


I want to be able to express some things on my heart in a healthy way, so at times, I may just post some of my thoughts. They may seem a bit wandering but it is what I am thinking today.

I am finding that talking to others really does help.  It is ok for you to ask me how I am doing, how are the kids doing? It is ok for you to share with me your favorite memories of Curtis.  How he made you laugh, how he aggravated you ;) how he impacted you. I will never grow tired of hearing those things.  

I am also finding out that it is ok to let others know when I am having a good day or a bad day. A day filled with loneliness or a day where I didn't cry.  It is hard for me to let others see into the dark times though. I take a risk that you may not understand or it may be too much.  But a risk that I will have to take. 

Looking at his picture today and kissing it gently makes me miss kissing his bald head and of course his lips.  Looking at his ring around my neck makes me wish I still could hold his hand.  Sitting here at his desk, still organized the way he had it (ok, it has a little more junk now that I am working on business stuff, :) ) i think of all the articles that he has written from this desk, from this laptop. I think of all the time that he spent praying in this office, how much he petitioned the Father for us, for his kids and his friends.  I think about his love for peanut m&m's and how he became so disciplined in maintaining his blood sugar levels, that he gave up the m&m's.  Sitting here at his desk is bittersweet for sure.  I loved Curtis with all my heart and always will.  At times, the pain feels like razor sharp teeth waiting to devour me.  But I know that over time the pain will ease and the good memories will remain. 

Thank you for reading this. will post more soon. I find this to be a balm to my soul.


  1. Renae, please know that you can share your heart and not be afraid. It is so healthy and healing to express your thoughts and emotions, and we love you and want to give you the freedom to do just that. The most awesome thing is that God knows your thoughts even before you think them..and He loves you (even more than we do)...He is in control!

  2. I am sorry that I never met Curtis or got to be around you as you grew into the woman you are. LOL I still see you as that crazy 16 year old, begging your dad to let you drive into town when you were visiting us here in Mo. Last time I saw you was that whirlwind trip I made from Nevada out to Va. and flew into an airport close by you guys in Ky. and your grandma Black was in the nursing home there. That was the last time I saw her. I still remember her last words to me "I won't see you again will I" She had been so confused I was surprised she knew what she was saying.