Monday, February 28, 2011

One Month.....

Since there is not 29 days in February this year, I guess the official one month anniversary of Curt's death is tomorrow, but my heart sure feels like it is today. I told you when I started blogging that this is a place for me to share my heart, to share the pain, and how God is bringing me through. So this blog might not be pretty, but it is raw cause that is how I am feeling tonight. 

When I woke up this morning, I was faced with this overwhelming feeling of missing Curtis.  I had a doctor's appointment and knew I had things to do, but I took the time for the wave to wash over me and allowed myself to feel the pain. It felt like a searing hot knife tearing my heart, but after a short time, I felt a soothing from the Father. I have talked about these waves in a previous blog. So mentally, there are times I know that I need to feel the pain other times I run from it. 

Later this morning, I had to go through some bills and one of them was a detailed bill from the hospital from his admission and death. Going through how the bill was chronologically organized, I could see the different medicines, and the different procedures, and felt the trauma again of what he was enduring at that particular time. That was hard too. 

Then I was at home this afternoon alone, and was listening to some teachings on cd, and thought I would take a nap.  I was in the recliner that Curtis always sat in when he was in the living room. Fell asleep but it was as if I was drugged, kept feeling like I wanted to wake up but couldn't.  Then had a troubling dream. Dreamed that Curtis was in the recliner, but it was in a different house, he was talking to his sister, and i reached over to hold his hand like i had so many many times done before. but in the dream, he did not even know I was there. He did not know I was trying to hold his hand. so in the dream, I started crying and that is what woke me up.  Needless to say, I got right up and found my anointing oil and anointed the chair and prayed over it and myself.  So, my day has been a very emotional one for sure. 

Then sitting down to write this blog, I started looking over my f/b pictures, looking over our disney trip, knowing exactly how he was feeling in each of the pictures. Knowing that on the Thursday that everyone visited him that he had several hours of being almost totally pain free. What a blessing that was.  But also looking at some of the other pictures and knew that he was struggling so badly. 
So, i began crying again. Listened to some of "our" songs, cried some more and here I am.  Yes I hurt. I know that at least one of my kids had a rough day as well.  But through the fog, I know that I am being held. It is like the pain is very sharp and in the forefront, but deep down, I sense the Father holding me and reminding me once again of my roots. They are deep and this day of the wind blowing and the branches bending, will not cause me to topple.  

So I grab hold of Daddy's hand and refuse to let go. I will survive and I will keep standing. By His strength and not my own.

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