ponderings....

I want to be able to express some things on my heart in a healthy way, so at times, I may just post some of my thoughts. They may seem a bit wandering but it is what I am thinking today.

I am finding that talking to others really does help.  It is ok for you to ask me how I am doing, how are the kids doing? It is ok for you to share with me your favorite memories of Curtis.  How he made you laugh, how he aggravated you ;) how he impacted you. I will never grow tired of hearing those things.  

I am also finding out that it is ok to let others know when I am having a good day or a bad day. A day filled with loneliness or a day where I didn't cry.  It is hard for me to let others see into the dark times though. I take a risk that you may not understand or it may be too much.  But a risk that I will have to take. 


Looking at his picture today and kissing it gently makes me miss kissing his bald head and of course his lips.  Looking at his ring around my neck makes me wish I still could hold his hand.  Sitting here at his desk, still organized the way he had it (ok, it has a little more junk now that I am working on business stuff, :) ) i think of all the articles that he has written from this desk, from this laptop. I think of all the time that he spent praying in this office, how much he petitioned the Father for us, for his kids and his friends.  I think about his love for peanut m&m's and how he became so disciplined in maintaining his blood sugar levels, that he gave up the m&m's.  Sitting here at his desk is bittersweet for sure.  I loved Curtis with all my heart and always will.  At times, the pain feels like razor sharp teeth waiting to devour me.  But I know that over time the pain will ease and the good memories will remain. 


Thank you for reading this. will post more soon. I find this to be a balm to my soul.
Renae