Having a hard time writing the past few days, so I thought I would just write Curtis a letter. Yeah, still dealing with the first month anniversary, but I know that my Abba Father is carrying me and I will get through this phase.
To my dear husband. It has been over a month now since you transferred to your new home. There are still times when I expect you to be home when I get home from work, or when I come to your office to tell you good night. There are still times when nothing comforts me like wearing one of your t-shirts sprayed with your Tommy cologne. I enjoy reading your bible. You had so much revelation, and you had so many things highlighted in your bible. It is such a blessing to have it with me. I like sitting at your desk too. So peaceful yet so nostalgic at the same time. I haven't moved much around on your desk. Your gum is still in the drawer, your glasses on the shelf above your desk. All your pens still organized the way you had them. I have your prayer sheets out tonight. I am still so amazed at how you planted the Word so deeply in your heart and how you allowed the Word to grow and produce fruit. The seeds were planted so deeply where nothing could destroy them. You created quite a legacy.
It is harder being a single parent than what i thought it would be. trying to watch for red flags for all the kids, when a red flag for one may be normal for the other. Trying to make sure they are venting and have the support that they need in this journey. Several times I have needed your advice so badly. Needed to have you talk to the kids, give them advice. they listened to you. especially when it came to them doing their chores ;) I know that you prayed many many hours for the kids and I am praying that they will allow those seeds to grow in them as well.
baby, I can't think you enough for allowing the Father to dig deep the past few years and allow the changes to be made in you from the inside out. You were a different man. You developed a softer gentler side that was so beautiful to watch in the transformation. Truly you walked the verse about being transformed and not conformed. you made changes that in turn changed our lives. I want to share just a small part of the testimony that you had began writing out but did not get to complete on paper.
"Inner healing is so vitally important in every Christian’s life. We all have damaged souls (mind, will and emotions). After I was born again, I had a heart to please the Father, and continuously ran back to Him when I made mistakes. I had such a love for God and wanted to change so much that I know it was this hunger and passion that kept me. I had to keep asking God to help me to hunger and thirst more for him, and He has been so gracious in doing that"
I love you Curt. I can only hope that Jesus will share with you the tremendous impact that you have made, perhaps more in the past 2 years than your entire life, on me, and on our children. I know you are enjoying heaven. I would never ask you to come back to this world of suffering and pain.
Forever in my heart
Your Wife Renae"