Thursday, February 17, 2011

good day/bad day

Confusing title I know, but I will explain.  
The bad first:  I am sick, physically.  The dr thinks it is the flu, so I have been taking it easy, trying to rest and drink lots of fluid. I am missing my hubby giving me a hug, telling me that I need to rest. Telling me that he will fix dinner for me. He was sympathetic when I was sick, with him going through so much- he had compassion.  Even in his last few weeks, he still tried to fix dinner for me one night. In the past few years, Curtis had changed so much. He became so much more thoughtful of me and the kids. He truly allowed God to change him from the inside out. He talked so much about the miracle he had already received, the miracle of inner healing.  I will talk more about that in the days to come.

  But back to the bad day/good day.  So being sick today and missing my husband's compassionate hug and his thoughtfulness was not good.  But there were good things today too.  This morning, it felt like a shift in my healing in the grief process. Let me see if I can explain.  it wasn't something big, no loud sound from heaven. Rather it was the lack of expecting to see Curtis in his chair. It was a comfort in my heart rather than the razor sharp pain that has been there.  Not saying that I don't still feel the razor sharp pain, but getting a small break from it was wonderful.  another good thing was realizing that I am looking forward to more ministry work. I had settled in my heart, with or without Curtis, I would move forward in ministry. Today, I felt an excitement deep within.  And yes, the peace remains.  The peace that has been greater than any peace that man can think of giving. 

My kids have been such a joy in my life, and they continue to do so. They are such good kids. they are finding ways to vent, ways to express their grief. Talking to their dad on F/B, playing the drums (yes, all of them take turns) they are finding ways and they are helping me in the process. 

so i will take the good and the bad...


  1. Renae, I appreciate your courage and honesty in sharing such private, personal reflections. My heart has been with you very much. I will keep reading. :) Kristen

  2. Renae,
    That peace will not leave. It's resident now. Peace is not the absence of any type of conflict. It's the result of accurate and successful spiritual conflict. You and your family fought to obtain it and maintain it for your walk and your home. It belongs to you and your children to walk in daily and to give away to others. The end of the mature man is peace. Always.
    Much Love,