Monday, March 14, 2011

my struggle with "gentle doe"

You probably think I have really lost it with the title of my blog, but let me explain! No gentle doe is not a new pet of mine.  Rather, it is the name of the color of paint that I picked out for my bedroom.  No idea why someone would call this color gentle doe, as I can't remember seeing any deer with this color!  

Anyway, last week, I decided to paint my room. I decided that I wanted to change my room around, buy some new things for it and downsize from a King size bed to a queen.   It wasn't too hard for me to decide to do this. Curtis had not slept in my bed for about a year, he had severe sleep apnea, and because he did not want to keep me awake, he slept in the recliner in his office.  So making the decision to change my room wasn't hindered by the emotional pain of having to give up the bed and stuff that I shared with Curtis.

So Saturday, I began the task. I stirred up the paint that I had bought and found one of Curtis' old brushes and rollers.  Painted one strip of paint and remembered that I forgot to sand the walls because there was gloss on the walls and it has to be roughed up so it will stick. (hmmmmm) I began to get frustrated because I could not find his sanding screen and pole. Had to go through all his paint tools and stuff in his work room. Now that is where I begin to be distraught inside.  Going through his work tools, how he used to make money for our family.  I begin to think about all the times I had helped him paint and the things that he had taught me. I begin to feel the pain of him not being with me and actually was mad that I couldn't talk to him and ask how do I do this????

I finally found a small sander and some sand paper, and got to work on the room.  I still was sorta out of sorts on the inside, from going through the tools.  I was hit with all kinds of discouragement, things like "what makes you think you can paint this room by yourself?  Curtis was the painter, not you!  You will never get this done just give up now."  Yep the enemy was certainly telling on himself.  Finally I thought to myself I can do this, I will do this!  So I kept up and that night finished the first coat of paint and cutting in.  Sunday afternoon, I thought I really want to rest, but instead, I got busy and painted the second coat of paint.  And you know what? I finished it! by myself, and it looks pretty good except for the few places (ok, quite a few lol) where I got paint on the baseboard.

So what is the key today?  the key was that I was faced with a challenge. The challenge of 'gentle doe'. I could have given up. I could have said forget about it. But instead, I faced the challenge, begin to think about all that Curtis had taught me and went for it.  It is not perfect but looks pretty decent if I do say so. You may be faced with a challenge today. Maybe you have recently lost someone and just getting out of bed is a challenge.  I have had days like that. Days where I just wanted to melt into the bed, ignore everything around me and just cry and sleep all day.   Maybe you are faced with a diagnosis that you were not expecting.  Maybe you have had to step back and allow God to deal with your children.  Whatever the challenge that you are facing, if you will stand firm and find the courage from within to face it head on, you will succeed.  It is hard, I will not lie to you.  But the Word reminds us to fight the good fight of faith.  If there was not a fight, there could not be a victory.

The gentle doe tamer

1 comment:

  1. WOW Renae....this was a wonderful post!! I have read a few of your blogs sent to me by an aquaintence of yours, and friend of mine. Each one has really touched my heart. You have such a powerful gift with thoughts and words. You are very blessed.
    I too lost a husband to cancer in 2002. Was a hard road to travel with a 16 year old son at the time. But...I conquered and overcame! And day by day things became a little easier. Praise God for His unfailing love, because the enemy does lead us to believe we are helpless and worthless at times and that we will NEVER make it! But we have news for him don't we....WE CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS US!! AMEN??
    Keep up these wonderful blog posts!! I know they are touching someones else's heart, just like they do mine!
    God bless you Renae...