Monday, March 28, 2011

my bleeding heart....

Well it has been an interesting past 4 days.  Not quite sure what to think about it all, but I thought maybe sharing might make it a little easier.  My first part of last week was pretty good. Then as the week progressed, i began to see some signs that maybe we were not as far along as we thought. 

When I started seeing a counselor after Curtis' death, he warned that it was normal in the grieving process to be mad and angry at times.  I thought, well ok. I am not normally an angry person so I thought that maybe I would skip over that part of grief. Have done pretty good, up till last week.  I had been irritated several times but not really angry.  Thursday evening, I got upset at the kids because of a chore issue, then Friday evening, 2 of my kids got really angry with each other and said things and did things that are not like them at all.  Then I got upset and angry with them!  Now this may sound like just normal anger and not grief related, but I believe that the grief has exaggerated the anger. Later that evening, I found myself very angry with Curtis of all people!  He had nothing to do with the argument over the chores.  Well, not directly.  I became angry because Curtis was the motivator at our house.  In the past year, he had really tapped in on how to motivate the right way, with not using anger, but just by talking to the kids and being firm in a good way.  So he kept the house running with chores and stuff even when he could not physically do anything in the house - just by reminding the kids of things they needed to do, and by just being here for them when they come home from school. 

So I was angry at Curtis for dying, for leaving me here - the non-motivator- to deal with the kids and with chores.  I was angry because now I have to make decisions on my own. I was mad that he died!! Please hear my heart my friends.  I know this sounds so not like me for those of you who know me well. But once I began to put my finger on why I was mad and upset, I was able to work through it.  I am not a yeller or a screamer, but on Friday evening, I had turned into a raging lunatic!!!  But thank God, that once again, He carried me through this little tantrum period and I was able to think rationally and move forward.  

For those of you who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, either by death, divorce, or dealing with something else that has brought you grief.  It is ok to be angry, to feel the raw emotions of a bleeding heart, to hurt and to long for relief.  Please don't become a slave to the anger though. Don't even become a slave to grief.  Grief in itself is healthy but when we become chained to grief it is not a good thing.  Reach out to someone.  Most of all reach out to the Father. 

Eventually the bleeding will stop in my heart and I will be healed. I know that.  I have full confidence in my Saviour.  Till the bleeding stops, I will press on and I will continue to work through these things, and it is my prayer that you will find the courage to do so as well. 


1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing that. I was diagnosed last June with Stage 3B melanoma. Its been a difficult year dealing with the fact that I'm not entirely in control of my body. My husband at times has suffered with anxiety over not being able to help me all the time. I doing well but still get frustrated with the emotional side of dealing with cancer. I'm glad that you finding peace after the loss of your spouse. May God bless you richly for lifting Him up.