Sunday, April 3, 2011

words don't come easy...

You know, I have heard some people say that a sudden death is worse to deal with than a slow death, but I believe that both kinds of deaths deal with its own set of issues.   No matter how much you think you might be prepared when someone has cancer and doesn't receive a healing here on earth, it is NEVER any easier.
Because nothing can prepare you for the feelings of inadequacies and the waves that come crashing down upon you when you lose a loved one.

Nothing can prepare you for seeing your children hurt - each in a different way. To see them trying to work through panic attacks, to see them experiencing moods that you haven't seen in them in a long time.  To hear them say how much they miss their daddy.  Nothing in this world can prepare your heart to hear that come out of your child's mouth.   Nor can there be anything that would let you know that in any given minute or hour that you can experience such extreme emotions, and then feel them seemingly all at the same time. Going from laughing and joking one minute to sobbing the next.  To those who are casually observing, it appears that everything is going well, that we are really ok, but those closest know that it is a struggle to put on a smile. To laugh when you want to scream.

There is nothing that will prepare you to have moments when time stops and for a split second, you think you heard him call your name.  When you are serving dinner and start to fix him a plate. To hear the phone ring and for a flash, think it is him calling.

I am trying to work through all these things and for the most part feel that I am moving forward.  As for my kids, there are days that I wish they would just break down and sob, at least I could see some type of outward sign that they are releasing the grief.  Really and truly there are no words that can describe the pain and the adjustments that we are attempting to make right now.  Continue to pray for us.  Pray for my kids. Stay involved with their lives.  Let my kids know that you are praying for them.  I know you are praying and we are so grateful for that. It has meant so much to be surrounded with your prayers and your friendship.

Thank you for reading, and maybe soon there will be a happier blog. It is a process and we will continue to move forward.  God's grace will carry us through the weak moments.

1 comment:

  1. My heart breaks for you Renae and you children. But please know Curtis left behind a legacy that God smiles upon.

    My oldest daughter was in the car with me when I called Curtis to pray with him one day. I pulled over for the call, and we joined hands as we lifted him in prayer. From that day forward, she would ask me on a regular basis how he was doing and contuned to pray for a man she had never met (as I did). The day he passed, I remember stopping her in the foyer as she was headed out or maybe in (you know how teenagers are) and told her the news. She paused as tears formed in her eyes and said it was very sad, but he was with Jesus now and would never suffer again.

    I can't began to tell you what that single moment means to me personally. God used Curtis to show me that my oldest daughter understands what being in His family really means. God is using a very difficult circumstance for your family for His purpose...a Divine purpose.

    I'm sorry I've not shared that with you earlier, and I hope you will share it with your children. Their dad was a man of God whose work for our Father goes on in them. May God pour His blessing on your family in abundance!