Thursday, April 14, 2011

another letter to Curtis

Dear Curtis,

As I sit here at your grave today, with tears streaming down my face, I wonder how in the world do these feelings come on so unexpectedly?? I mean one day I am feeling like I really have made progress and here I am today running to your grave to tell you that life isn’t fair – to wonder how I am going to make it?  I know I will make it, somehow in the back of my mind, I know it.  But right now at this moment what I feel is the pain of losing you; at this moment as I look at your grave – I feel empty and alone. Needing to hear you call my name – needing to feel your arms around me. I even would not mind to hear you fuss… but I can’t.

I stare at this plot of land to which I now hold a deed, but knowing it holds the love of my life.  I know that this is only just your shell- your earth suit that is lying in this ground covered by spring grass.  I know that you – Your Spirit Man- are enjoying majesties untold.  You are sitting at Jesus’ feet. Yes, my mind knows that but my heart breaks just the same.

The kids and I are trying to heal, and I know your extended family is as well.  Curtis Baby, I can hear you say “It takes time” but I guess I want to be whole right now. I miss the way you held my hand while we were driving – the way you sent me texts just to say you love me.  I miss the You that you had became over the past few years and wondering why you couldn’t stay a little longer.  I never really got to tell you good-bye, but I guess maybe because it really isn’t goodbye, but just “see ya later”  I am so proud of how far you had came. But the day we rushed you to the hospital, I had no clue it was your last day.

So as I sit here – listening to the birds singing, feeling the breeze on my face and letting the sun warm my body, Baby, I know that although your body lies in this grave, your spirit is always with me.  Comfort me in my dreams, will you please? Take away some of the pain. I want to think what would you have done? -when I am faced with a decision with the kids, but the stark reality is that the decisions all lay upon my shoulder now. But I know, my dear husband, that the greater one is with me and will guide me always. I have to trust in Abba – our Father. You can revel in His glory- I know that one day I will join you. But for now, I will face this day with my heart bared for the world to see, not hiding the pain, but also not hiding the faith that I know lies within. Curtis, I love you. You are in my heart and on my mind and really truly are my inspiration.



  1. Only God can comfort a broken heart. Only God can ease to pain of our loss. Lean heavily upon Him. Let Him be your strength. Let Him give you peace. Draw your strength from Him. Cast all of your care upon him and he will sustain you and the children. Replace every painful thought with a happy memory of your time together. Only a short while and we will be together, never to be separated again.