Thursday, April 28, 2011

“When my world is breaking, I’ll never leave your hands…”

This is a line from one of my favorite songs called “Your hands” by J.J. Heller.  It talks about even though we sometimes we ask God a thousand ways to make our pain go away, we are still in His hands.  It is a beautiful song and so reminded me this morning that I am still in the Father’s hands.

Sometimes it seems like I only blog on the bad days, and I guess that is when the pain is the worst and this is truly an outlet for me to release some of the pain, but I promise that I will write more about the good times that we are experiencing as well.  In fact, let me go ahead and start this blog out with some highlights from the past few weeks.

The kids and I have been making some improvements around the house, and have had carpet put in several rooms, including the living room. They are thrilled with it and love the new look. We are going to add some of Caleb’s photography prints to the walls. He is going to pick out some of his best work.  This past week we also put up a canvas gazebo outside and hope to have lots of time just hanging out.  We had family over for Easter and watching even my older kids do an Easter egg hunt was just hilarious.   We have had times of laughing and fun, we have gone on a 5 mile bike ride and plan to do more.  Yes, we are healing- gradually and at different rates, but healing is with us I know.

So there are lots of positive things that we are experiencing. God is so good and his mercy is new every day. That is why I know that days like today, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will carry me through this day as well.

 Last night the weather people were calling for some major storms to come through with tornado warnings, and had already been much damage in the states west of us.  Last night I longed so much for my husband’s calm demeanor during storms. He never let a storm rattle him. He loved storms, and I would often find him out on the deck or outside watching the lightning. I know, not the safest place, but that was Curtis.  So last night I just wanted to hear his calm assurance that we would be ok and that he would be praying. Everything was ok, and I guess he was looking out for us in heaven, but so miss him.

Yesterday, I found out that I didn’t get an internal position that I had applied for at work, and I guess I was a little down about it, even though I didn’t mean to be. I had prayed and trusted God that if this wasn’t what He wanted me to do then the door would shut and it did.  I guess not being able to be comforted again by Curtis really hurt. So reading back through what I have written here, I am finding a common thread. That I am being triggered today by my lack of comfort from my husband’s arms.  My heart aches because I can’t feel him physically with me.  Tomorrow makes 3 months since he passed away, and while I can say definitely it is easier now; it is still hard at times if that makes sense.  I am sure that the days where I could cry at any given second will be here for a while, and I am glad for them. I will find a place today where I can be alone and have a good cry, for the tears help to release the pain that tumbles around in my heart trying to find a place to land.

So here is my heart- you see the good and the bad. You hear about the tears and the pain, but it I pray that you also see the hope that I have in our heavenly Father, for it is to Him that I give all the glory and praise for bringing me through these rainy days and the sunny days.  I am not afraid to get the umbrella out. I know that He is with me, and I carry Curtis in my heart every moment of the day. And I will never leave God’s hands.


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