Tonight I am sitting at Curt's desk, finally able to get to it again after recently moving things into the office while we were putting in carpet. I am looking at all the little quotes and things that Curtis had written and had put them in such neat order on the backboard under his shelf. I see appointment cards for doctor visits past and future, I see Curt's organization on how he placed the quotes on his board (lined up and the thumb tacks in perfect order) As I begin reading over some of the things he wrote, again I am amazed at the wisdom that God poured through Curtis. Yes, he had lots of issues in the past and he struggled with many things, but the wisdom that God would pour through him during his studies is astounding.
Even in the midst of Curt's struggles with anger, rejection, bitterness and low self image, he still sought after God's heart for his life. When he experienced a new understanding of God's word, he would write an article. He worked diligently at applying the Word of God to his life. Even though it took him quite some time to see deep changes, he never gave up on seeking God.
There is a song that we played at his funeral, and it is called "the more I see Him" by Kari Jobe. I chose this song because it so fit Curtis. He often said, "You are only as close to God as you want to be." And it is so true. The amount of time that you seek the Father's will for your life is directly correlated with the amount of victory that you experience. Sometimes the process is long and arduous, because the inner pain and turmoil is so deeply buried. But if you will keep seeking the Father's will for your life, the more you will find His will. I was so often encouraged when even with the addictions and the pain that Curtis experienced, he still sought God and refused to give up and go back on the Lord. He refused to deny Christ and the power of God that works within. I have to say this and it is the truth. I have never met a man in my entire life that wanted God as much as Curtis did.
You may ask how, then, if he wanted God so badly did he still struggle with the things that he fought. And on the surface, it looks like maybe he didn't seek hard enough, but let me tell you my friends, had Curtis not been seeking after the heart of the Father, so many things would be different for the worse in my family. Had he not run to the Father when he would be tormented by lust and bitterness, he would have been a cheater and even more violent than he ever was. Had he not chosen to fall with utter submission on his knees and cry out for God's mercy, he could have been a psychopathic maniac. He told me so many times "had it not been for God's grace" and I truly believe that.
I am sharing these things with you because in the midst of the mental torment, in the midst of the struggles that Curtis encountered, it was still possible for him to seek God and to receive healing. I know you have read about what I have described as the change in the past two years. I truly believe that all of his heart cries to the Father were not ignored and that the miracle of God's power changing a scarred wounded heart were a result of the seeking and searching. The bible says to seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you. This is a continual seeking, a continual knocking. Not a one time thing. Had Curtis not kept seeking, kept knocking, he would have never experienced the true healing that took place in his life. My life and the lives of my children would have been drastically altered for the bad.
So if you are being tormented inside your mind, if you cannot seem to break free of the chains that are so tightly wrapped around your heart, let me remind you my friend. Freedom is available. It is not an easy process. It doesn't take place overnight, but if you will keep seeking the Father's heart, you will find the Father's heart. Take the words of wisdom that Curtis has spoken that I share with you and experience a new freedom that your heart longs for.
Blessings and peace
Renae
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