This past week, I have been struggling with some things, and thought I would just be transparent with you. I know if I am struggling, that there are others who may be as well. I am still adjusting to Curtis not being here, and I am sure that the adjustment period will take quite some time. I still find myself wanting to call him to let him know when I will be home, still miss him immensely. There are days when I still do not want to get out of bed.
I posted this on facebook the other day, when your focus is inward, your vision becomes blurry. I find that when I begin to focus only on the grief and how much I miss Curtis, then my focus on Christ becomes blurry. I begin to feel like I am far from Him. I know that some of you will tell me that it hasn't been even 3 months yet, and that I can expect to be inward focused because all of this is still so raw and painful. And I suppose that there is validity to that. I know that I can't expect to be healed totally in such a short period of time, but I think what I am trying to get at is this. I have a choice to make every day. I can choose to withdraw into my hiding place of my heart where the bleeding and the pain is constant. I make a choice every day how much time I am going to spend in the rooms of my heart that sees the agony of Curt's last day with us. I make that choice. I know that the pain I feel may drive me to making that choice more than I want to on some days. But when I choose to stay in the darkness, in the shadows of the heaviness and smothering blanket of grief for extended periods of time, then my focus on Christ- my DELIVERER- becomes blurry.
So many times, Jesus would pray for eyes to be opened in the Gospels. I know that many times this was physically, but also it was spiritually as well. When we are blinded, or our vision is blurry, we don't see things the right way. I know this sounds like, duh yeah, but really think about this. Whether it be grief from losing one that you loved so much, or heartache from a failed relationship, financial difficulties,or addictions- when we put all our focus on the problem, then we don't focus on the answer- Jesus.
So, my struggle is this: I have found in the past week that I have felt more of a depression that is trying to settle in, a spirit of heaviness that threatens to weigh me down like a winter coat on a hot summer day. Yeah, some depression is normal with grief. I am not denying that. But again, I have to keep reminding myself that I will not become a slave to grief. If I become a slave, chained to the loss, then my vision will be blurred and I will not see clearly what God's will is for my life. If you find that you are struggling with situations that really have your focus totally on the problem, let me encourage you today to find someone that you can talk to, someone who will pray with you and who will stand by you. Make the choice to live and not die. Make the choice that you will have sharp vision, eagle eyes. I am making the same decisions even now. I am sure that I will fail on days. But even if I fall, I can run back to God and into His arms. Will you do the same?
Thank you for being with me on this journey. It is a process of growing and changing. I pray that you are blessed and helped by something I write.