As I sit here at your grave today, with tears streaming down my face, I wonder how in the world do these feelings come on so unexpectedly?? I mean one day I am feeling like I really have made progress and here I am today running to your grave to tell you that life isn’t fair – to wonder how I am going to make it? I know I will make it, somehow in the back of my mind, I know it. But right now at this moment what I feel is the pain of losing you; at this moment as I look at your grave – I feel empty and alone. Needing to hear you call my name – needing to feel your arms around me. I even would not mind to hear you fuss… but I can’t.
I stare at this plot of land to which I now hold a deed, but knowing it holds the love of my life. I know that this is only just your shell- your earth suit that is lying in this ground covered by spring grass. I know that you – Your Spirit Man- are enjoying majesties untold. You are sitting at Jesus’ feet. Yes, my mind knows that but my heart breaks just the same.
The kids and I are trying to heal, and I know your extended family is as well. Curtis Baby, I can hear you say “It takes time” but I guess I want to be whole right now. I miss the way you held my hand while we were driving – the way you sent me texts just to say you love me. I miss the You that you had became over the past few years and wondering why you couldn’t stay a little longer. I never really got to tell you good-bye, but I guess maybe because it really isn’t goodbye, but just “see ya later” I am so proud of how far you had came. But the day we rushed you to the hospital, I had no clue it was your last day.
So as I sit here – listening to the birds singing, feeling the breeze on my face and letting the sun warm my body, Baby, I know that although your body lies in this grave, your spirit is always with me. Comfort me in my dreams, will you please? Take away some of the pain. I want to think what would you have done? -when I am faced with a decision with the kids, but the stark reality is that the decisions all lay upon my shoulder now. But I know, my dear husband, that the greater one is with me and will guide me always. I have to trust in Abba – our Father. You can revel in His glory- I know that one day I will join you. But for now, I will face this day with my heart bared for the world to see, not hiding the pain, but also not hiding the faith that I know lies within. Curtis, I love you. You are in my heart and on my mind and really truly are my inspiration.