My grief letter to all of my friends....

Hello all,
In my grief share support group last week (my first class) I was given a work book, and since I missed the first two classes, I went back to see what was covered and they suggested that I write out a letter to all of my friends to help you to know where I am and what you can do that will help ease the stress of the grief that I and my family are experiencing.  So Here is my letter to you. 




Dear dear friends,
Most of you know that on January 29, 2011, I lost the love of my life to melanoma cancer.  We are now approaching the 5th month anniversary, which also will fall on his birthday.  The loss that I and my children have experienced has been devastating.  We have cried so many tears, yet knowing there are many more to fall. This is something that we won't be "over" for a long time. This is something that my extended family, including Curtis' siblings and mother and other family members won't be "over" for a long time.  


I want to say how much I appreciate each and every one of you. All those who have texted, who have called, who have sent a card... Everyone of you have been a part of this new journey that we are walking.  I want all of you to know that there are still days that I have all I can do to get out of bed, but I also have days where I am happy, days that I make it through with a smile on my face.  I am finding out that it is ok to experience a wide range of emotions all at one time, and that I am not crazy for feeling these intense feelings.  I need you more than ever, you might think well it has been almost 5 months, I should be doing much better, but grief is such an individual experience that there is no right or wrong way of experiencing it. There is no timeline. 


You may see me experiencing some of these wide range of emotions.  You may see my children experiencing them as well. We may experience anger for no apparent reason.  I may repeat the same thing to you as the last time that we talked.  More than anything right now, we need your love and your patience as we work through this.  


This weekend is going to be specially hard with Father's Day, and then also on the 29th, like I said, that is not only the 5th month anniversary but also Curtis' 44th birthday.  You may wonder what you can do for us during this time, the most important thing is that you don't stop calling, don't stop checking on us. Even when I reply "everything is ok" - keep asking.  Don't stop hugging me and the kids.  Especially my kids.  I have experienced much support so far, but maybe you don't know how to give my kids support.  This weekend with Father's day, send them a message, give them a call. Let them know that you are praying for them.  And please do pray for them... I am experiencing a  whole new layer of grief this week, and that is for my kid's father... I am grieving over their loss of their dad.  I grieved the loss of my husband on my anniversary, but now grieving the loss of my kids dad.  Don't be afraid to reach out to my kids this weekend.  Don't be afraid to let them see you cry, don't be afraid to share your favorite memory of their dad. Yes, it will be hard- for you and for them- but what my kids and I need to know most of all is that you have not forgotten my husband- their dad: Curtis Forbes.  


When you are missing him, it is ok to let me know that.  When you are remembering good times or bad times, I want you to share with me.  Please do not ever forget the man he was and the man that he became. 


I and the kids may appear on the outside that we have it together and are doing well, but our hearts still break every day in some way.  Even when my kids try to be tough, they are crying on the inside.  You don't have to have the right words to say, just you being near by is so important to us.  Your prayers are so appreciated.  God will continue to carry us through I am certain, but we still need you. 


Thank you for everything.  Don't stop praying for us friends. This has been difficult to say the least but your prayers and support are helping us in so many ways.  


From my heart,

Renae

Teetering on the edge of the Pit....

I am so thankful that I am wanting to write again, and that my words don't seem to be piling up behind the dam of pent up emotions that was threatening to crack with pressure. Over the past few weeks, I have found myself teetering dangerously on the edge of a pit. A pit of depression and despair that would have loved to pulled me in head first and engulf me.  I had began to instead of facing the pain- to shove it back down in my heart to deal with later.  I noticed that the tears were coming much less frequently. I was becoming increasingly irritated at the kids, and just longed to be able to sleep the day away and not talk to anyone.


These feelings begin to scare me, and I was reminded of my commitment that I refused to be enslaved to grief.  I would allow grief to wash over me, but I had determined that I did not want to become a servant to it.  But without realizing it, depression was calling my name.  Now in no way do I want any of you to think if you are in the pit of depression, that I am against you, oh my dear friend, please don't think that. I want to help you get out of the pit if that is where you are at.   We all fall into pits at times, but it is in the staying in the pit where we become stale and despondent.


Anyway, I felt like a new kind of normal would never come. Ups and downs, feeling like I had danced a ball room dance of one step forward- two back, two to the side...But I want to tell you friends, that like David said in Psalm 40:2, that God has pulled me out of a horrible pit, He has pulled me out of the sticky clay and set my feet upon a rock.  Over the past week, I have been able to express my sorrow again and allow myself to cry and sob and release some of the pressure in my soul. Several things that have made a difference is one, reaching out to friends who were a safe haven for me.  I didn't need pity, but I needed compassion. And that is what I received. Sometimes I don't turn to my family, even though I know that they are there for me. I don't want to cause them more pain. I need to get past that, and know it is ok to be real even with my family and especially my kids.  Heaven knows I don't want my kids to think because they don't see me cry that they should stuff their feelings back down as well.  So I am working on that, I promise.


The support system that God has placed around me has been amazing.  The friends who listen, who most of all pray for me.  I have found out people this week that have been praying for me fervently and oh, that makes me feel so wrapped in the Father's love.  My family who doles out hugs whenever they are with me.  All these things are helping me pave my road to a new kind of normal.  To those who do not have a support system and are trying to navigate the journey of grief- I would encourage you to take a step forward to get help.  I took another step this week, in addition to seeing a counselor, in addition to my friends and family- I joined a support group called " Grief Share"  (www.griefshare.org) I went Friday night from 7pm till 9 pm.  Was it uncomfortable? YES! was is scary?  YES! But I met other people who are also traveling down this road that they did not ask to be on.  I begin to hear a little of their story and hope that I will be able to contribute at some point in their walk of healing.   For any of you who have lost someone near and dear to your heart, please reach out and grab ahold of someone that can help you.  A close friend told me this past week, that she is not grabbing me by my fingertips, but grabbing me by my arms and refuses to let go.  I pray that you find that person or group that will help you.


So this time, I avoided the pit of depression and despair.  I am not saying I will never fall into a pit again, because I am sure I will. But I will cry to the Lord and He will hear me and will lift me up out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet on the rock- CHRIST JESUS.


From my heart
Renae

birthdays and such...i

I wanted to write a short blog to just try to make some sense out of some of the feelings that I have experienced over the weekend. This weekend was full of extreme highs and extreme lows.  I wanted to share with you, because I know that many reading this have experienced grief and maybe you feel guilty or ashamed for feeling some of the ways that I have felt, but I want to let you know that I am finding out that it is ok to feel these things.

My extreme highs for the weekend, was that close friend that I have known for 8 years came to visit me and was here to help me during the weekend. Also another close friend that has recently moved to NC was a big help too.  Another high was that my family and Curtis's family came to the boys' birthday party and it was so good to see everyone. I love my family and his family so much and it is always a blessing to get everyone together.  Another positive thing is that my friends and I went to the botanical gardens near my home and being out in God's beautiful creation was good.

The lows were mainly trying to plan the boys birthday party and get it carried out. Knowing my boys were missing their dad so much, and knowing that this was their first birthday without him was very hard.  I was frazzled all day, I was moody, I was forgetful.  I forgot to invite some of Alex' friends that I never forget to invite.  I forgot the hotdogs.... sigh... I was a mess.  I think that it must have been so evident because everyone at the party was so helpful, without all my friends and family, the party may have been a flop.  Right at the end of the party, a huge thunderstorm crashed on us.  Usually I do ok with storms, but that one almost did me in. Finally got home and my front yard was flooding from all the run off water from the streets.  But I took some deep breaths and asked God for help, and the rain soon stopped.

Another low was that I was mad at Curtis.. I was mad because 2 weeks before we went to Florida before Curtis passed away, I felt like I was supposed to buy birthday cards for the kids for the year and help Curtis fill them out.  I brought them to Florida, and when I suggested to him that it would be good if he could sign them and write something on them.  He looked at me with the saddest eyes and said " you think I am going to die don't you?"  It broke my heart and I tried to explain that I was believing for a miracle, and if he signed the cards then it would be more of a testimony, and on the other hand if he didn't make it then the kids would have something from him. Needless to say, he never filled the cards out, so I was mad that I didn't have cards for the boys from their dad.  I had to ask God to forgive me for being mad at Curtis.

I am learning that grief is by no means just crying. It is feeling the searing pain that comes from the huge hole in my heart when I hear a song that reminds me of him.  It is feeling the anger and experiencing it in a positive way. Grief is crying and laughing at the memories - good and bad.  Grief is letting the hurt wash over your heart but not drowning it. I really had never thought about what grief was or was not before, but now, I am facing grief head on.  But I am moving forward in my grief. I can see positive steps forward, even when it is one step forward and two steps back.  Progressive. Sometimes the pace is as I said before, snails could pass me up. But the important thing that I am finding is that I have to keep moving. Staying stationary for too long begins to make me feel like I am walking through sludge, mentally and physically. If I don't move forward, then the pain over takes me and threatens to pull me into the raging waves.  Grief is not meant to be a stopping place where we camp out and stay for years.  It is a process that we work through with God's help and with the help of our friends and support system that is a much needed process but one that has to be moving.

Yeah, I get stuck in the rut so many times. Birthdays, holidays, special times have a tendency to make me feel like I want to just sit down and camp out for a while. But I cannot do that. I cannot become a slave to grief.  Walking through the process yes, but not enslaved to it.

So highs and lows... part of everyone's life.   Birthdays come and go, but they will never be the same without Curtis. If you have lost someone those special times will not be the same, but I have to trust God that He will help me to create new memories and that we will be ok.

Blessings
Renae

it's been a long few weeks...

Well, it has been several weeks since I have posted a blog, actually since May 17.  Seems like months ago.  Sometimes it feels like time is rushing past me but I am stuck in this one spot and haven't seemed to made alot of progress.  But I know according to my counselor and close friends, that I am moving forward, even when it seems like the snails are zooming past me ☺


I haven't been to the grave since Easter. I need to go put a new flower arrangement on the grave site, and really need to order Curt's grave stone. I just haven't been motivated.  I haven't written here on my blog for the same reason. Just not motivated. I am talking to my counselor every week, talking about the things that make think, make me grasp the enormity of how much my life has changed, yet how much of it is still the same.  I know that you must think that I am really being random in this blog, I am sorry.  that is really how my brain has been going lately.  But back to not being motivated. It seems like the past 2 weeks, I have just been plowing through my days, get up, go to work, come home, stay up late and then do it again.  There have been some really bright spots though. 


For instance, we went to the beach! Yea! Curtis and I had talked about going to the beach for the boys' birthdays since last year, so I decided I would invest in renting a condo and we went this past weekend.  Loved watching the kids play in the waves, riding boogie boards, playing in the sand.  I enjoyed collecting sea shells.  Walking the beach, letting the water lap up over my feet, I thought quite a bit. I thought about the waves, and how some of them were just little waves, and I would just be able to walk right on up the shore, but then when I wasn't expecting it, and wasn't watching the ocean, there would be a bigger wave come in and really splash me and take me by surprise, throwing me off balance.  And that is how my life has been.. small waves that I could handle, but there have been bigger waves that have nearly tossed me to the ground.  Through all the waves I have encountered though, God has been right there to reach out and pick me back up. He hasn't left me laying in the sand for the waves to drown me.  


Back to the beach.  I really had a good time, but it was very bittersweet. I kept thinking that Curtis should be here walking with me, looking at the souvenirs- wanting to spend money on the kids.   I sat in the dark on Sunday night in the sand, listening to the waves coming in, and was thinking so much about how much I missed my husband and how much he would have enjoyed the trip.  So yes, it was bittersweet.  But I guess there are going to be alot of bittersweet moments over the next few years.   


The boys had their first birthday without their dad.  I haven't been able to tell whether it has affected them. Father's Day is coming up in a few weeks and I am not looking forward to it.  My kids loved their dad so much, through the good - the bad- and the ugly, they still loved him and always did something for him at Father's day. This year, we will most likely be in Alabama with our spiritual father.  I am praying that God will touch each of my kids that day and will just soak them in His love.  Then we have Curtis' birthday on June 29.  I plan to have balloons for the kids to write a message on and then we will release them.  we will have cake and ice cream in his honor and celebrate all the years that we were privileged to have him in our lives.  

Guess that I am sound depressed and down.. I really don't think I am depressed. I am just still trying to cope and trying to learn how to be a single parent.  Trying to understand what widowhood is all about.  Trying to get my feelings out of my head and into words.  Trying to let the tears fall when they want instead of turning them off.  For those of you who read this who have recently lost someone, you know what I am talking about.  It is a daily adjustment, something different every day that brings back a flood of memories. sometimes good, sometimes not good.  Yes, and even dealing with the what if's, the could have's and should have's.  But living in the regrets will not move me forward, it will only cause my feet to be in quicksand.  So I choose to keep my feet on the rock, on my Christ Jesus, and move upwards and onwards.  It is not easy by no means.  I need to take care of me, to allow myself those quiet moments and to allow myself to sob when I hear a love song that reminds me of Curtis.  I need to feel those things, to feel the pain and then allow Christ to pour out his healing oil over my bleeding heart.  


yes the days seem long but time keeps marching onward.  I will step back in line with the beat of the drums and will walk forward into my healing, even if it is a baby step at a time. 


Thank you
Renae

May 18,1990

On May 18, 1990, I gave my heart to my dear husband Curtis James Forbes in holy matrimony.  We were young and so in love. The world was ours to grab hold of and the moon was within reaching distance we thought.  We declared to the world that we would be faithful and that we would stand by each other's side for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.   


When I think of those words now, I can truly say that we stood by each other through some very hard times in our lives. Through financial difficulties, through the miscarriage of a child, through addictions and mental anguishes.  We encountered God in ways that we would have never imagined. So many times God came through for us and carried us through the storms of life. Early in our marriage, we found right away that being married was not always a walk in the park. We argued and fussed, kissed and made up.  We had extremely fun times and extremely horrible times.  Such makes a good marriage, for if it had all been extremes on the good side, we would have never known how to handle conflict and how to move forward. Even if it did take us 18 years into our marriage, we finally came to the point in the past two years where we could talk things out and where we could express our feelings without me retreating and without him being angry. 


The highs and lows truly do make a marriage stronger, if your hope and trust is in the Father. So many times during our marriage we thought about giving up, but thank God that we never did. God blessed us with 4 wonderful children and blessed us with different miracles and testimonies throughout the almost 21 years that we had together.  


In sickness and in health, to death do us part.... you don't really think about those words when you are saying them, you think that you are going to live to be old together, you think about grandkids and retirement.  When you are repeating these words after the minister, you want to think about the positive of each statement. But like it or not, we are all faced with the negative side of these vows as well.  I would have never dreamed that after 20 years of marriage, that I would see my husband's life be taken by the horrible "C" word. I never dreamed that we would not celebrate our 21st anniversary.  Did we take each other for granted? Yes, I know we did at times. We thought we would be together forever and there were plenty of things we could have done different. But I can't live my life now without him, thinking of all the would haves and could haves.  I am thankful for the 20 years, 8 months, and 11 days that we were married. Thankful that through the trials and the troubles that we faced, that we found peace at last. I am so thankful for the man that Curt had become. For the father that he became, for the friend that he became. I am a blessed woman because I loved Curtis unconditionally and experienced his love for me.  I experienced a love that at times seemed confusing but was always a true love coming from Curtis's heart.  I know that he loved me and for that I am grateful. To be loved is every person's dream. So yes, in sickness and till death did us part, we loved. 


The emotional side of this is well, very emotional. For almost a week now, I have experienced a plethora of emotions, from numbness to anger. From grief to joy.  I have cried, I have laughed.  Tonight as I write this, it is hard to explain how I feel. I feel irritated, I feel as though I could cry at any second, and all that is ok. I have found it is ok for me to feel this wide range of emotions, even daily at times.  I still stand firm though that I will not become a slave to grief, and I continue to seek the Father's heart in all these things.  So I will grieve on my anniversary day, for the day that we should have been celebrating, going out to eat dinner and buying each other gifts.  But I will rejoice in knowing that one day I will see Curtis again in heaven and I will be comforted to know that he is healed and whole and will never ever again be plagued by sickness and disease, nor will he ever again deal with anger and a wounded, scarred heart.  I will look to Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith, and know that He will carry me through this day and that I will continue to run after my Abba God's heart. 


Happy anniversary my dear husband. Celebrate our love with the Father who first loved us and who decided to place us together 21 years ago and who has blessed us with 4 beautiful children. I love you my dear husband. Forever


Renae

Practicing Peace...

Practicing Peace

Writing really hasn’t been easy lately, seems like the words have just been jumbled up in my brain and I feel like I am repeating myself.  If my life was busy before Curtis passed away, then now I feel like I in overdrive. How did I do it before? Balancing doctor appointments and treatment schedules, as well as the kids’ schedules? How did I manage?  I know it was by God’s grace for sure.

Right now, I am busy trying to get things done in my house, I get so distracted when I am organizing and cleaning.  I have been told this is normal during grief. I am bothered by the clutter and trying to cut myself some slack.  I have not yet even started on going through Curt’s things and sort or throw away. I kinda get this sick feeling in my stomach sometimes when I think about doing that.  Of course, I have the kids to think about as well, I don’t want to do anything before they are ready too. I have allowed them to be involved with all the decisions concerning their dad’s passing.

It almost feels like I am numb again, the pain is subsiding to a dull throb in my heart and the overwhelming, almost panic mode, is becoming less frequent.  Sometimes I think it is harder to deal with the dull throb because it can be pushed back down easier than the in-your-face pain, and the more you push it back down in your heart the more you have to deal with later. This past week when I was going through one of my drawers, I found some love letters from Curtis, all the way back from 1992. Faith was just a baby and it was so bittersweet to read my husband’s words of love and hope for us as a family. I didn’t allow myself to dwell too long on reading them, just scanned through them. I will put them up for a while, and bring them out when I can savor the words, and recapture the moment when the letters were given to me, but finding the letters brought a sharp pain to my heart.  

With all the hustle and bustle of my life and all the opportunities that I am presented with to walk in turmoil and frustrations, I have to keep reminding myself that I must walk in peace.  When I don’t walk in peace, the turmoil and the stress increases. Little things like putting together a bed become a humongous task. When peace is not prevalent, the stresses of everyday life become a trigger that can send me a tailspin. I have to make the decision every day that I will walk in peace. No matter how large the grief is for that day, no matter what I am faced with. Do I walk in peace every day?  No, but the more I practice walking in peace, the more I walk in peace.

If you are struggling today with emotional pain or just plain old day to day living, I want to encourage you to seek peace. Peace is not a dream; peace can be lived in and walked out on a daily basis if your heart and mind is set on the Father.   I love the scripture- Isaiah 26:3 “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee; because he trusteth in thee.”

Keeping my mind (my soul- which is my mind, my will and my emotions) fixed on Christ will cause me to walk in peace.  Blessings, Renae

words of wisdom...

Tonight I am sitting at Curt's desk, finally able to get to it again after recently moving things into the office while we were putting in carpet.  I am looking at all the little quotes and things that Curtis had written and had put them in such neat order on the backboard under his shelf.  I see appointment cards for doctor visits past and future, I see Curt's organization on how he placed the quotes on his board (lined up and the thumb tacks in perfect order)  As I begin reading over some of the things he wrote, again I am amazed at the wisdom that God poured through Curtis.  Yes, he had lots of issues in the past and he struggled with many things, but the wisdom that God would pour through him during his studies is astounding. 


Even in the midst of Curt's struggles with anger, rejection, bitterness and low self image, he still sought after God's heart for his life.  When he experienced a new understanding of God's word, he would write an article.  He worked diligently at applying the Word of God to his life.  Even though it took him quite some time to see deep changes, he never gave up on seeking God. 


There is a song that we played at his funeral, and it is called "the more I see Him" by Kari Jobe.  I chose this song because it so fit Curtis.   He often said, "You are only as close to God as you want to be."  And it is so true.  The amount of time that you seek the Father's will for your life is directly correlated with the amount of victory that you experience.   Sometimes the process is long and arduous, because the inner pain and turmoil is so deeply buried.  But if you will keep seeking the Father's will for your life, the more you will find His will.  I was so often encouraged when even with the addictions and the pain that Curtis experienced, he still sought God and refused to give up and go back on the Lord.  He refused to deny Christ and the power of God that works within.  I have to say this and it is the truth.  I have never met a man in my entire life that wanted God as much as Curtis did.  


You may ask how, then, if he wanted God so badly did he still struggle with the things that he fought.  And on the surface, it looks like maybe he didn't seek hard enough, but let me tell you my friends,  had Curtis not been seeking after the heart of the Father, so many things would be different for the worse in my family.  Had he not run to the Father when he would be tormented by lust and bitterness, he would have been a cheater and even more violent than he ever was.  Had he not chosen to fall with utter submission on his knees and cry out for God's mercy, he could have been a psychopathic maniac.  He told me so many times "had it not been for God's grace" and I truly believe that.  


I am sharing these things with you because in the midst of the mental torment, in the midst of the struggles that Curtis encountered, it was still possible for him to seek God and  to receive healing.  I know you have read about what I have described as the change in the past two years. I truly believe that all of his heart cries to the Father were not ignored and that the miracle of God's power changing a scarred wounded heart were a result of the seeking and searching.  The bible says to seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you.  This is a continual seeking, a continual knocking.  Not a one time thing.  Had Curtis not kept seeking, kept knocking, he would have never experienced the true healing that took place in his life.  My life and the lives of my children would have been drastically altered for the bad.  


So if you are being tormented inside your mind, if you cannot seem to break free of the chains that are so tightly wrapped around your heart, let me remind you my friend. Freedom is available.  It is not an easy process. It doesn't take place overnight, but if you will keep seeking the Father's heart, you will find the Father's heart.   Take the words of wisdom that Curtis has spoken that I share with you and experience a new freedom that your heart longs for.  


Blessings and peace
Renae