I am so thankful that I am wanting to write again, and that my words don't seem to be piling up behind the dam of pent up emotions that was threatening to crack with pressure. Over the past few weeks, I have found myself teetering dangerously on the edge of a pit. A pit of depression and despair that would have loved to pulled me in head first and engulf me. I had began to instead of facing the pain- to shove it back down in my heart to deal with later. I noticed that the tears were coming much less frequently. I was becoming increasingly irritated at the kids, and just longed to be able to sleep the day away and not talk to anyone.
These feelings begin to scare me, and I was reminded of my commitment that I refused to be enslaved to grief. I would allow grief to wash over me, but I had determined that I did not want to become a servant to it. But without realizing it, depression was calling my name. Now in no way do I want any of you to think if you are in the pit of depression, that I am against you, oh my dear friend, please don't think that. I want to help you get out of the pit if that is where you are at. We all fall into pits at times, but it is in the staying in the pit where we become stale and despondent.
Anyway, I felt like a new kind of normal would never come. Ups and downs, feeling like I had danced a ball room dance of one step forward- two back, two to the side...But I want to tell you friends, that like David said in Psalm 40:2, that God has pulled me out of a horrible pit, He has pulled me out of the sticky clay and set my feet upon a rock. Over the past week, I have been able to express my sorrow again and allow myself to cry and sob and release some of the pressure in my soul. Several things that have made a difference is one, reaching out to friends who were a safe haven for me. I didn't need pity, but I needed compassion. And that is what I received. Sometimes I don't turn to my family, even though I know that they are there for me. I don't want to cause them more pain. I need to get past that, and know it is ok to be real even with my family and especially my kids. Heaven knows I don't want my kids to think because they don't see me cry that they should stuff their feelings back down as well. So I am working on that, I promise.
The support system that God has placed around me has been amazing. The friends who listen, who most of all pray for me. I have found out people this week that have been praying for me fervently and oh, that makes me feel so wrapped in the Father's love. My family who doles out hugs whenever they are with me. All these things are helping me pave my road to a new kind of normal. To those who do not have a support system and are trying to navigate the journey of grief- I would encourage you to take a step forward to get help. I took another step this week, in addition to seeing a counselor, in addition to my friends and family- I joined a support group called " Grief Share" (www.griefshare.org) I went Friday night from 7pm till 9 pm. Was it uncomfortable? YES! was is scary? YES! But I met other people who are also traveling down this road that they did not ask to be on. I begin to hear a little of their story and hope that I will be able to contribute at some point in their walk of healing. For any of you who have lost someone near and dear to your heart, please reach out and grab ahold of someone that can help you. A close friend told me this past week, that she is not grabbing me by my fingertips, but grabbing me by my arms and refuses to let go. I pray that you find that person or group that will help you.
So this time, I avoided the pit of depression and despair. I am not saying I will never fall into a pit again, because I am sure I will. But I will cry to the Lord and He will hear me and will lift me up out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet on the rock- CHRIST JESUS.
From my heart