Writing really hasn’t been easy lately, seems like the words have just been jumbled up in my brain and I feel like I am repeating myself. If my life was busy before Curtis passed away, then now I feel like I in overdrive. How did I do it before? Balancing doctor appointments and treatment schedules, as well as the kids’ schedules? How did I manage? I know it was by God’s grace for sure.
Right now, I am busy trying to get things done in my house, I get so distracted when I am organizing and cleaning. I have been told this is normal during grief. I am bothered by the clutter and trying to cut myself some slack. I have not yet even started on going through Curt’s things and sort or throw away. I kinda get this sick feeling in my stomach sometimes when I think about doing that. Of course, I have the kids to think about as well, I don’t want to do anything before they are ready too. I have allowed them to be involved with all the decisions concerning their dad’s passing.
It almost feels like I am numb again, the pain is subsiding to a dull throb in my heart and the overwhelming, almost panic mode, is becoming less frequent. Sometimes I think it is harder to deal with the dull throb because it can be pushed back down easier than the in-your-face pain, and the more you push it back down in your heart the more you have to deal with later. This past week when I was going through one of my drawers, I found some love letters from Curtis, all the way back from 1992. Faith was just a baby and it was so bittersweet to read my husband’s words of love and hope for us as a family. I didn’t allow myself to dwell too long on reading them, just scanned through them. I will put them up for a while, and bring them out when I can savor the words, and recapture the moment when the letters were given to me, but finding the letters brought a sharp pain to my heart.
With all the hustle and bustle of my life and all the opportunities that I am presented with to walk in turmoil and frustrations, I have to keep reminding myself that I must walk in peace. When I don’t walk in peace, the turmoil and the stress increases. Little things like putting together a bed become a humongous task. When peace is not prevalent, the stresses of everyday life become a trigger that can send me a tailspin. I have to make the decision every day that I will walk in peace. No matter how large the grief is for that day, no matter what I am faced with. Do I walk in peace every day? No, but the more I practice walking in peace, the more I walk in peace.
If you are struggling today with emotional pain or just plain old day to day living, I want to encourage you to seek peace. Peace is not a dream; peace can be lived in and walked out on a daily basis if your heart and mind is set on the Father. I love the scripture- Isaiah 26:3 “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee; because he trusteth in thee.”
Keeping my mind (my soul- which is my mind, my will and my emotions) fixed on Christ will cause me to walk in peace. Blessings, Renae