When I think of those words now, I can truly say that we stood by each other through some very hard times in our lives. Through financial difficulties, through the miscarriage of a child, through addictions and mental anguishes. We encountered God in ways that we would have never imagined. So many times God came through for us and carried us through the storms of life. Early in our marriage, we found right away that being married was not always a walk in the park. We argued and fussed, kissed and made up. We had extremely fun times and extremely horrible times. Such makes a good marriage, for if it had all been extremes on the good side, we would have never known how to handle conflict and how to move forward. Even if it did take us 18 years into our marriage, we finally came to the point in the past two years where we could talk things out and where we could express our feelings without me retreating and without him being angry.
The highs and lows truly do make a marriage stronger, if your hope and trust is in the Father. So many times during our marriage we thought about giving up, but thank God that we never did. God blessed us with 4 wonderful children and blessed us with different miracles and testimonies throughout the almost 21 years that we had together.
In sickness and in health, to death do us part.... you don't really think about those words when you are saying them, you think that you are going to live to be old together, you think about grandkids and retirement. When you are repeating these words after the minister, you want to think about the positive of each statement. But like it or not, we are all faced with the negative side of these vows as well. I would have never dreamed that after 20 years of marriage, that I would see my husband's life be taken by the horrible "C" word. I never dreamed that we would not celebrate our 21st anniversary. Did we take each other for granted? Yes, I know we did at times. We thought we would be together forever and there were plenty of things we could have done different. But I can't live my life now without him, thinking of all the would haves and could haves. I am thankful for the 20 years, 8 months, and 11 days that we were married. Thankful that through the trials and the troubles that we faced, that we found peace at last. I am so thankful for the man that Curt had become. For the father that he became, for the friend that he became. I am a blessed woman because I loved Curtis unconditionally and experienced his love for me. I experienced a love that at times seemed confusing but was always a true love coming from Curtis's heart. I know that he loved me and for that I am grateful. To be loved is every person's dream. So yes, in sickness and till death did us part, we loved.
The emotional side of this is well, very emotional. For almost a week now, I have experienced a plethora of emotions, from numbness to anger. From grief to joy. I have cried, I have laughed. Tonight as I write this, it is hard to explain how I feel. I feel irritated, I feel as though I could cry at any second, and all that is ok. I have found it is ok for me to feel this wide range of emotions, even daily at times. I still stand firm though that I will not become a slave to grief, and I continue to seek the Father's heart in all these things. So I will grieve on my anniversary day, for the day that we should have been celebrating, going out to eat dinner and buying each other gifts. But I will rejoice in knowing that one day I will see Curtis again in heaven and I will be comforted to know that he is healed and whole and will never ever again be plagued by sickness and disease, nor will he ever again deal with anger and a wounded, scarred heart. I will look to Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith, and know that He will carry me through this day and that I will continue to run after my Abba God's heart.
Happy anniversary my dear husband. Celebrate our love with the Father who first loved us and who decided to place us together 21 years ago and who has blessed us with 4 beautiful children. I love you my dear husband. Forever
Renae
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