I haven't been to the grave since Easter. I need to go put a new flower arrangement on the grave site, and really need to order Curt's grave stone. I just haven't been motivated. I haven't written here on my blog for the same reason. Just not motivated. I am talking to my counselor every week, talking about the things that make think, make me grasp the enormity of how much my life has changed, yet how much of it is still the same. I know that you must think that I am really being random in this blog, I am sorry. that is really how my brain has been going lately. But back to not being motivated. It seems like the past 2 weeks, I have just been plowing through my days, get up, go to work, come home, stay up late and then do it again. There have been some really bright spots though.
For instance, we went to the beach! Yea! Curtis and I had talked about going to the beach for the boys' birthdays since last year, so I decided I would invest in renting a condo and we went this past weekend. Loved watching the kids play in the waves, riding boogie boards, playing in the sand. I enjoyed collecting sea shells. Walking the beach, letting the water lap up over my feet, I thought quite a bit. I thought about the waves, and how some of them were just little waves, and I would just be able to walk right on up the shore, but then when I wasn't expecting it, and wasn't watching the ocean, there would be a bigger wave come in and really splash me and take me by surprise, throwing me off balance. And that is how my life has been.. small waves that I could handle, but there have been bigger waves that have nearly tossed me to the ground. Through all the waves I have encountered though, God has been right there to reach out and pick me back up. He hasn't left me laying in the sand for the waves to drown me.
Back to the beach. I really had a good time, but it was very bittersweet. I kept thinking that Curtis should be here walking with me, looking at the souvenirs- wanting to spend money on the kids. I sat in the dark on Sunday night in the sand, listening to the waves coming in, and was thinking so much about how much I missed my husband and how much he would have enjoyed the trip. So yes, it was bittersweet. But I guess there are going to be alot of bittersweet moments over the next few years.
The boys had their first birthday without their dad. I haven't been able to tell whether it has affected them. Father's Day is coming up in a few weeks and I am not looking forward to it. My kids loved their dad so much, through the good - the bad- and the ugly, they still loved him and always did something for him at Father's day. This year, we will most likely be in Alabama with our spiritual father. I am praying that God will touch each of my kids that day and will just soak them in His love. Then we have Curtis' birthday on June 29. I plan to have balloons for the kids to write a message on and then we will release them. we will have cake and ice cream in his honor and celebrate all the years that we were privileged to have him in our lives.
Guess that I am sound depressed and down.. I really don't think I am depressed. I am just still trying to cope and trying to learn how to be a single parent. Trying to understand what widowhood is all about. Trying to get my feelings out of my head and into words. Trying to let the tears fall when they want instead of turning them off. For those of you who read this who have recently lost someone, you know what I am talking about. It is a daily adjustment, something different every day that brings back a flood of memories. sometimes good, sometimes not good. Yes, and even dealing with the what if's, the could have's and should have's. But living in the regrets will not move me forward, it will only cause my feet to be in quicksand. So I choose to keep my feet on the rock, on my Christ Jesus, and move upwards and onwards. It is not easy by no means. I need to take care of me, to allow myself those quiet moments and to allow myself to sob when I hear a love song that reminds me of Curtis. I need to feel those things, to feel the pain and then allow Christ to pour out his healing oil over my bleeding heart.
yes the days seem long but time keeps marching onward. I will step back in line with the beat of the drums and will walk forward into my healing, even if it is a baby step at a time.