I can't believe that it has been about 6 weeks since I have blogged. I guess things seemed to have settled into more of a lull till a couple of weeks ago.
The funeral home that handled everything with Curtis' death has been sending me small books that have been a real blessing to me. Well last month, they sent one and it was primarily dealing with anger. I read it even though at the time, I really wasn't experiencing anger that I could tell. Well.... God knew that I needed to read the book and be prepared. But I still wasn't prepared. I began a few weeks ago to feel such an anger on the inside of me. Now, please hear my heart. I wasn't cursing people out and having road rage or screaming and yelling. It wasn't that kind of anger. It was an internal seething. An anger that really can't be explained.
I have been told by several people that anger is a normal part of grieving, and I had even experienced anger at Curtis around 2 months after he passed away. I am sharing this because I know that there may be someone reading this who may be feeling guilty over feeling anger after a tremendous loss.
The anger has been coming out slowly but surely. Having friends that I am so safe with that I can express my feelings without feeling like they would be upset or offended at me has been a mainstay. I have found my anger coming out in ways that are not good as well. Things like really fussing at small things with my kids. The feeling of anger is an emotion and as we all know sometimes well, it gets emotional. My kids have asked me continuously over the past 2-3 weeks, "Mom, what is wrong with you? You seem upset all the time" Even my youngest asked me why I was mad all the time. Sigh... when your kids know something is up, then it is time to begin to seek answers and try to work through this.
I have spent much time talking with a friend and with my counselor. I know anger is normal and healthy in grief. I have began to ask myself what am I angry about? The more I think about it, the more I don't really think it is anger that Curtis passed away. It is not that I am angry that I am now a single parent. The anger is coming from the past. I have shared things previously on my blog with you and you know that Curtis and I have had a rough past. We had a difficult marriage. I am finding that the years and years that I held things in and buried them so deep in my heart that I thought they were gone for good. Only to feel them starting to rise to the top. I have thought about the scripture that talks about going through the furnace of affliction and going through the purifying process. That is where the fire is heated up hotter and the impurities begin to rise to the top so they can be skimmed off. This is where I feel that I am at. I am boiling, and it isn't necessary a bad thing. The anger that has been dormant for so many years, is making it's way to the top. In this rising to the top, I have to be in constant communication with the Father to make sure that I am not allowing the dross or the anger to consume me, but allowing it to surface in a healthy manner.
The anger in feeling like I didn't have a voice, the anger in being controlled. Feeling anger that I thought was buried along with Curtis in the ground. Sometimes the anger is easily pushed back down, but I have to realize the more that I push it back down, the longer it will take to rise to the top to be skimmed off.
So I am writing this to you today, asking that you will continue to pray for us. I know that if I am experiencing anger, that my children are probably as well. They don't talk about it... I am sure that Curt's family may be experiencing it and not understanding it. It isn't a taboo subject. Just because there is anger doesn't mean that I am a bad person. It means that there is much healing that needs to take place. Deep inner healing that I so desperately long for.
Yes, 8 months is coming up this week and while I know that I am doing well in so many areas, this is the area that I am now battling. I know that if I continue to allow it to rise to the top that the Father will begin to skim it off the surface and healing will come.
Thank you for your prayers and support.