I can't believe that it has been about 6 weeks since I have blogged. I guess things seemed to have settled into more of a lull till a couple of weeks ago.
The funeral home that handled everything with Curtis' death has been sending me small books that have been a real blessing to me. Well last month, they sent one and it was primarily dealing with anger. I read it even though at the time, I really wasn't experiencing anger that I could tell. Well.... God knew that I needed to read the book and be prepared. But I still wasn't prepared. I began a few weeks ago to feel such an anger on the inside of me. Now, please hear my heart. I wasn't cursing people out and having road rage or screaming and yelling. It wasn't that kind of anger. It was an internal seething. An anger that really can't be explained.
I have been told by several people that anger is a normal part of grieving, and I had even experienced anger at Curtis around 2 months after he passed away. I am sharing this because I know that there may be someone reading this who may be feeling guilty over feeling anger after a tremendous loss.
The anger has been coming out slowly but surely. Having friends that I am so safe with that I can express my feelings without feeling like they would be upset or offended at me has been a mainstay. I have found my anger coming out in ways that are not good as well. Things like really fussing at small things with my kids. The feeling of anger is an emotion and as we all know sometimes well, it gets emotional. My kids have asked me continuously over the past 2-3 weeks, "Mom, what is wrong with you? You seem upset all the time" Even my youngest asked me why I was mad all the time. Sigh... when your kids know something is up, then it is time to begin to seek answers and try to work through this.
I have spent much time talking with a friend and with my counselor. I know anger is normal and healthy in grief. I have began to ask myself what am I angry about? The more I think about it, the more I don't really think it is anger that Curtis passed away. It is not that I am angry that I am now a single parent. The anger is coming from the past. I have shared things previously on my blog with you and you know that Curtis and I have had a rough past. We had a difficult marriage. I am finding that the years and years that I held things in and buried them so deep in my heart that I thought they were gone for good. Only to feel them starting to rise to the top. I have thought about the scripture that talks about going through the furnace of affliction and going through the purifying process. That is where the fire is heated up hotter and the impurities begin to rise to the top so they can be skimmed off. This is where I feel that I am at. I am boiling, and it isn't necessary a bad thing. The anger that has been dormant for so many years, is making it's way to the top. In this rising to the top, I have to be in constant communication with the Father to make sure that I am not allowing the dross or the anger to consume me, but allowing it to surface in a healthy manner.
The anger in feeling like I didn't have a voice, the anger in being controlled. Feeling anger that I thought was buried along with Curtis in the ground. Sometimes the anger is easily pushed back down, but I have to realize the more that I push it back down, the longer it will take to rise to the top to be skimmed off.
So I am writing this to you today, asking that you will continue to pray for us. I know that if I am experiencing anger, that my children are probably as well. They don't talk about it... I am sure that Curt's family may be experiencing it and not understanding it. It isn't a taboo subject. Just because there is anger doesn't mean that I am a bad person. It means that there is much healing that needs to take place. Deep inner healing that I so desperately long for.
Yes, 8 months is coming up this week and while I know that I am doing well in so many areas, this is the area that I am now battling. I know that if I continue to allow it to rise to the top that the Father will begin to skim it off the surface and healing will come.
Thank you for your prayers and support.
Renae
Monday, September 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Family Matters...
Hi all,
It has been quite the journey, literally and emotionally recently. Again, we have set out on our travels, this time heading north to visit Curtis' family. We flew out to Boston where we went on to Curtis' brother's house and stayed there with him and his family for 3 days. It was such a wonderful blessing for my kids to meet their cousins and to form lifetime bonds. We had such a wonderful time. I truly felt that bridges were built that will last forever.
I have discovered that even if you don't know your extended family very well, that family is so very important. If there is something that I know Curtis would want me to tell everyone, is this. Family is very important and vital, and if you have wedges in your family, don't wait until it is too late to make things right. On the day that Curtis passed away, his older brother and sister came to visit him. They made such an impact that they would travel all that way to see him. They had no idea as none of us did that the day they visited, would be Curt's last day. I can remember all that week, Curt was so pleased that he would get to see them. So thankful that God worked everything out and the timing was precise.
Spending this weekend with his family was bittersweet. It was so cool to be together and to laugh and even enjoying a game of whiffle ball with everyone. It was awesome that most of his family came together on Sunday and that we could all just enjoy each other. Of course, seeing his brother and family brought some sadness, because I knew how much Curt would have enjoyed being there and seeing the kids all get to know each other. Missing his booming laugh and his sense of humor...I think all of us were thinking the same thing.
But spending this weekend with Curt's family has made me realize that no matter what we are still family and families who can work through differences will come out stronger. I hope that if you have family that you are not on good terms with, that you will begin to see the family ties for the strengths and not the weaknesses. To see how important that family really is and that yes, family matters much.
God bless
Renae
It has been quite the journey, literally and emotionally recently. Again, we have set out on our travels, this time heading north to visit Curtis' family. We flew out to Boston where we went on to Curtis' brother's house and stayed there with him and his family for 3 days. It was such a wonderful blessing for my kids to meet their cousins and to form lifetime bonds. We had such a wonderful time. I truly felt that bridges were built that will last forever.
I have discovered that even if you don't know your extended family very well, that family is so very important. If there is something that I know Curtis would want me to tell everyone, is this. Family is very important and vital, and if you have wedges in your family, don't wait until it is too late to make things right. On the day that Curtis passed away, his older brother and sister came to visit him. They made such an impact that they would travel all that way to see him. They had no idea as none of us did that the day they visited, would be Curt's last day. I can remember all that week, Curt was so pleased that he would get to see them. So thankful that God worked everything out and the timing was precise.
Spending this weekend with his family was bittersweet. It was so cool to be together and to laugh and even enjoying a game of whiffle ball with everyone. It was awesome that most of his family came together on Sunday and that we could all just enjoy each other. Of course, seeing his brother and family brought some sadness, because I knew how much Curt would have enjoyed being there and seeing the kids all get to know each other. Missing his booming laugh and his sense of humor...I think all of us were thinking the same thing.
But spending this weekend with Curt's family has made me realize that no matter what we are still family and families who can work through differences will come out stronger. I hope that if you have family that you are not on good terms with, that you will begin to see the family ties for the strengths and not the weaknesses. To see how important that family really is and that yes, family matters much.
God bless
Renae
Monday, August 1, 2011
6 months later...
Hello all,
6 months is a long time to not see the one you love. Half a year, 182.5 days...4,380 hours...262,800 minutes. 6 months... I wondered during the first month how I would be handling things at 6 months.
Actually, I am surprised. I have traveled more in the past 6 months than I have in the past 5 years. I have been to West Virginia, Alabama, NC coast, Tennessee, soon Virginia and up North to see his family. Looking back on things, I wonder how have I done this? How have I found the courage to travel by myself and some with my kids? I can tell you how, it has only been by the grace of God. Yes, I have had plenty of days as you have read in my previous posts, that I have fallen apart over and over and wondered if the pieces would ever be put back together. Times when my heart has felt like it could become no more shredded and torn.
The desire to travel has surprised me. Want to know another thing that has surprised me? The hunger within me to touch others and to see them walk in freedom and victory over the chains of bondage that hold them hostage. The desire for ministry has not decreased as I was concerned it might, but instead it has grown larger than I can contain. I have wondered how can God's love in me grow so much when I have a hole in my heart that came from Curtis' death. I have a greater compassion for the hurting. Maybe it is because I saw my husband hurt so deeply. I saw him come from years of denial and secretly trying to overcome to being a man who had allowed the shackles to be broken off bringing a liberty that could not be denied.
I pray that my desire for freedom will never be quenched. That I will never feel like I have obtained all the freedom that I need. For our lives are filled with layers and layers that will always need the healing touch of the Saviour. I believe that Curtis had began to experience the freedom that comes with the layers of pain and bitterness being peeled back. I want to keep experiencing that myself. To have yet another layer peeled and the oil of the Lord poured onto the scars so they will not become hardened and calloused.
During the past 6 months I have grieved, yet I have laughed.. I have cried yet, I have experienced joy. I have plunged to the depths of a despair that has scared me so badly, but God's love has reached down and brought me into a new path of restoration. Grief is a peculiar thing. Like I have said before, there is no right or wrong way to grief. For those of you who have lost something very precious in your life, take time to grieve, whether it was yesterday or 25 years ago. Bare your heart to God, to friends who will hold you and give you a safe place to express your pain and sorrow. Burying the pain will only make it harder to release it later. Yes, it hurts so deeply to express the grief, but in doing so, you will soon find out that the huge ball of relentless emotions begins to subside and you begin to live again.
So yeah, 6 months is a long time to be without the one you love, but when you count the minutes that God has carried you, it makes the next 6 months seem more tolerable.
Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.
Renae
6 months is a long time to not see the one you love. Half a year, 182.5 days...4,380 hours...262,800 minutes. 6 months... I wondered during the first month how I would be handling things at 6 months.
Actually, I am surprised. I have traveled more in the past 6 months than I have in the past 5 years. I have been to West Virginia, Alabama, NC coast, Tennessee, soon Virginia and up North to see his family. Looking back on things, I wonder how have I done this? How have I found the courage to travel by myself and some with my kids? I can tell you how, it has only been by the grace of God. Yes, I have had plenty of days as you have read in my previous posts, that I have fallen apart over and over and wondered if the pieces would ever be put back together. Times when my heart has felt like it could become no more shredded and torn.
The desire to travel has surprised me. Want to know another thing that has surprised me? The hunger within me to touch others and to see them walk in freedom and victory over the chains of bondage that hold them hostage. The desire for ministry has not decreased as I was concerned it might, but instead it has grown larger than I can contain. I have wondered how can God's love in me grow so much when I have a hole in my heart that came from Curtis' death. I have a greater compassion for the hurting. Maybe it is because I saw my husband hurt so deeply. I saw him come from years of denial and secretly trying to overcome to being a man who had allowed the shackles to be broken off bringing a liberty that could not be denied.
I pray that my desire for freedom will never be quenched. That I will never feel like I have obtained all the freedom that I need. For our lives are filled with layers and layers that will always need the healing touch of the Saviour. I believe that Curtis had began to experience the freedom that comes with the layers of pain and bitterness being peeled back. I want to keep experiencing that myself. To have yet another layer peeled and the oil of the Lord poured onto the scars so they will not become hardened and calloused.
During the past 6 months I have grieved, yet I have laughed.. I have cried yet, I have experienced joy. I have plunged to the depths of a despair that has scared me so badly, but God's love has reached down and brought me into a new path of restoration. Grief is a peculiar thing. Like I have said before, there is no right or wrong way to grief. For those of you who have lost something very precious in your life, take time to grieve, whether it was yesterday or 25 years ago. Bare your heart to God, to friends who will hold you and give you a safe place to express your pain and sorrow. Burying the pain will only make it harder to release it later. Yes, it hurts so deeply to express the grief, but in doing so, you will soon find out that the huge ball of relentless emotions begins to subside and you begin to live again.
So yeah, 6 months is a long time to be without the one you love, but when you count the minutes that God has carried you, it makes the next 6 months seem more tolerable.
Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
death of our dog....
The death of our dog….
This past Sunday morning shortly after midnight, my son came upstairs to tell me that Hooch, our Great Dane mix, was not acting right. I came downstairs to find our big baby panting and heaving trying to breathe. His tongue had turned gray and he seemed really in distress. We called the vet and were given a couple of things that it could be and decided that we needed to take him on to the vet, so I called Faith and she came over and we loaded him in her car. I told the other kids before we left that Hooch seemed very sick and if there wasn’t anything that the vet could do, that we would have to put him to sleep. This broke Alex’s heart, well all of them, but he seemed most affected.
He threw his arms around Hooch’s neck and just hugged him and sobbed. Faith and I took him on to the emergency vet to be evaluated. The vet listened closely to his heart and lungs and advised us that there was fluid built up in his lungs and that he was in congestive heart failure. It was more than likely due to his age, as he was 8 ½ which is old for a Dane. With the diagnosis, and knowing there wasn’t anything he could do, he recommended putting Hooch to sleep. So I called the other kids and let them know, and again, Alex was just sobbing which so broke my heart and Faith and I began to sob as well. Faith went out of the room and they gave Hooch one shot to relax him, then the medicine to stop his heart. He went peacefully.
The after effects….
You may wonder why I am sharing all of this about our dog’s death, let me explain. First of all, Hooch was Curtis’ “big dog”. He had Hooch, and he had Mitzie his “little dog” who is a lap dog. Curtis loved his dogs (we still have Mitzie) and Hooch was the biggest baby when he was with Curtis. So it is natural that Hooch’s death was hard.
But even more than that, it is the triggers that overwhelmed me as I had to deal with this situation. To see Hooch struggling to breath brought back the vivid picture of Curtis laboring to breathe in the emergency room on the night before he passed away. Then the trip to the vet’s was on the same road that I and the kids rushed back to the hospital early in the morning when Curtis went into cardiac arrest. The memories flooded my mind as I drove to the vet, and I could hear the anguish in my children’s voices as they cried when the doctor asked us permission to stop live saving measures for Curtis… I had to give permission for my husband to die basically and had to do the same with the dog. I know it must sound really odd for me to be giving comparisons, but I want you to hear my heart to see the pain that all of these triggers caused.
After the ordeal was over at the vet’s, I had to decide what to do with Hooch’s body. Ughh…again memories of the hospital, being asked “where do you want your husband’s body taken?” Faith and I decided what we would do and we went home. Exhausted, I fell into bed with my youngest, Alex, coming to bed with me.
All of this to say today is Tuesday and I am still being affected to some degree. The triggers have lessened and the pain has dulled. I never knew that so many things would so dramatically affect me after Curtis’ death. I have learned as I have told you before that there is not a right or wrong way to grieve. Death is something that we deal with for quite some time and as I am finding out, grief can come in many ways.
I and my children will continue to move forward, we will continue to work through this process. Yes, we have had a “wrench thrown in the spoke” so to speak but we get back up and will move forward. We must. Each of the kids is moving forward at their own pace as I am. Keep praying for us in this journey. It was NOT just the death of a dog, but the after effects.
Renae
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Healing is a process...
Hello everyone,
well, we have made it through Father's Day, Curtis' birthday, my birthday and the 4th of July. So many firsts without him in the past 6 weeks, but God's grace has been sufficient and here we are.
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and your support through all of this. For all the texts, the phone calls, the emails. Those of you who have insisted that I be real and allow the pain to be seen rather than it being pushed back down, to all of you I am grateful.
During the past 10 days, I have felt more of a stability. It has came in waves over the past 5 months, sometimes carrying me for a few days, sometimes just a few hours, but the stability is becoming more normal for me now. Of course there are still times when the pain becomes overwhelming and threatens to wipe me out. But over all, I feel the healing taking place.
I still find his bible study notes in unexpected places, and when I do, I am reminded of the great hunger that he had to know God's word, and to not only know it, but to experience it in his life. I can look through his bible and see the notes and the highlights, it brings peace to me. Even though Curtis had many struggles and fought hard, I know that He loved God and his family. I know that the word that he had hid in his heart carried him through the impossible days.
Healing is definitely a process. I can choose to not walk that path right now and just give in to the pain, or I can choose healing. I do choose healing and will continue to do so. it is a choice though, we have to make the choice every day. There are days where I have not chosen wisely, but I have to know that I can begin choosing healing with the next breath. For those of you who have experienced great loss in your life, I want to encourage you to choose life... choose healing... Allow God's stability and establishing to be a priority in your life. Grief - yes. It is healthy to grief. It is healthy to allow the pain to be released in ways that are safe. Grief is a raw emotion that has to be experienced. But let me remind you my friend, that you do not have to be a slave to grief. Choose wisely.
thank you again, you have been awesome to continue to read my blogs and encourage me in my walk. Keep praying for us. Pray for the kids.
Renae
well, we have made it through Father's Day, Curtis' birthday, my birthday and the 4th of July. So many firsts without him in the past 6 weeks, but God's grace has been sufficient and here we are.
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and your support through all of this. For all the texts, the phone calls, the emails. Those of you who have insisted that I be real and allow the pain to be seen rather than it being pushed back down, to all of you I am grateful.
During the past 10 days, I have felt more of a stability. It has came in waves over the past 5 months, sometimes carrying me for a few days, sometimes just a few hours, but the stability is becoming more normal for me now. Of course there are still times when the pain becomes overwhelming and threatens to wipe me out. But over all, I feel the healing taking place.
I still find his bible study notes in unexpected places, and when I do, I am reminded of the great hunger that he had to know God's word, and to not only know it, but to experience it in his life. I can look through his bible and see the notes and the highlights, it brings peace to me. Even though Curtis had many struggles and fought hard, I know that He loved God and his family. I know that the word that he had hid in his heart carried him through the impossible days.
Healing is definitely a process. I can choose to not walk that path right now and just give in to the pain, or I can choose healing. I do choose healing and will continue to do so. it is a choice though, we have to make the choice every day. There are days where I have not chosen wisely, but I have to know that I can begin choosing healing with the next breath. For those of you who have experienced great loss in your life, I want to encourage you to choose life... choose healing... Allow God's stability and establishing to be a priority in your life. Grief - yes. It is healthy to grief. It is healthy to allow the pain to be released in ways that are safe. Grief is a raw emotion that has to be experienced. But let me remind you my friend, that you do not have to be a slave to grief. Choose wisely.
thank you again, you have been awesome to continue to read my blogs and encourage me in my walk. Keep praying for us. Pray for the kids.
Renae
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Catalyst...
Hello,
I know Curtis' birthday is Wednesday and it is also the 5th month anniversary of his death. I have been wanting to share something for about a week now. I want to please tell you though, this is very painful for me to write, but not only that, but I take the chance of you thinking bad of me for sharing this deeply personal event in Curtis' life.
I would not be sharing more of this had I not known that Curtis expressed to me before he passed away that he wanted his story told. You have read on previous posts (My Hero- March) how I have described a little about the great change that Curtis experienced in his life. He went from being a verbally and emotionally abusive person who loved God but did not know how to see the change he so longed for, to being so sensitive and kind and truly changed.
If there is a defining moment of change in Curtis' life, I have to say that the event that I am going to describe is probably the catalyst, the launching pad of the turn around that we experienced.
I read somewhere before "these are the best of times, these are the worst of times" I can truly relate. So I will tell you about a day that was truly the worst of the worst, but how God caused it to work together for our good.
One day in October of 2008, I had came home from work and we were getting ready to go out for dinner. I and one of my kids were there, along with Curtis. I can't even remember to this day what Curtis got so angry about all of the sudden, but I found myself in the middle of one of the worst rages that I had experienced with him. As the minutes ticked by, he became angrier and angrier. His fury was mounting. He was yelling at me and cursing, and he stormed through the hall and literally ripped the door of the hinges to our bedroom. I was in the dining area, and he came through the hall and threw the door down the stairs and I believe he went down and got it and threw it again. Then he backed me up against the wall and I saw my life flash before my eyes. I had never been so afraid of Curtis as I was that day. I really and truly thought that his rage was going to take complete control and that I was going to die. In the middle of this, my teen that was home called the police out of fear and the officer came. By then, Curt had already began to calm down, and we assured the office that everything was fine, although he left very reluctantly. Somehow I went on to dinner (after realizing that the cycle had now began and there was little I could do to resolve the situation)
Somehow over the next few days when the reality of what happened began to sink down into Curtis's mind, he became very broken and finally admitted that he needed help. He crashed to the lowest low and had it not been for God, I am not sure that he would have came out of the swirling cesspool of condemnation and guilt and shame. At his lowest, he begin to cry out for help. A recommendation came for a Christian psychologist, and he began to see her, after being diagnosed with mood disorder and possible bi-polar condition, along with OCD, Curtis begin to find answers to the things that had plagued him all of his life. He began to for the first time be able to control his anger and rage. He began going to a therapist who really made great strides with him as Curtis became open and honest about the rage and the bitterness that was inside of him. Curtis began to see the faint gleam of the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Curtis began to be accountable to his mentor and began to truly listen to the advice and the wisdom that his mentor shared with him.
Life finally began to take new meaning with Curtis. Here he was, had been born again for 17 years and had such a heart after the Father, but never receiving the freedom he so longed for till now. Over time, with medication and appointments, he started seeing changes that became evident to those closest around him. The changes that he encountered had an amazing effect on our kids. Over the period of the next year and into the months that he was diagnosed with cancer, Curtis was truly a different person. He was so much softer around the edges. The sarcastic outlook that he had melted away. The judgmental and critical air that he carried was gently blown away. The true heart came to the forefront. I had seen this heart periodically during our marriage, but for it to be constant and so consistent was mind-boggling.
I share this traumatic day with you in hopes that you will look past the anger and the rage, and realize that we all have areas that we need to overcome. If this blog does anything to you, I hope that it will impact you enough to know that change is inevitable if one is teachable. Please do not hold this against Curtis. I don't. I have forgiven long ago and that is the only way I can even share this time with you. Do I deal with the pain of the memory? Yes, at times, but as time goes along, Christ is taking the pain out and allowing me to the broken man behind the memory.
Don't feel sorry for me. I hurt yes, I cried many, many tears. But I have decided that I will be Curtis's voice. I will tell his story, for if one person is healed because of his testimony, then I will be able to have the courage to keep telling it again and again. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for the Lord is with me.
A catalyst motivates and moves a person, and in Curtis' case, it was the driving force that pushed him right into the path of healing.
Thank you
Renae
I know Curtis' birthday is Wednesday and it is also the 5th month anniversary of his death. I have been wanting to share something for about a week now. I want to please tell you though, this is very painful for me to write, but not only that, but I take the chance of you thinking bad of me for sharing this deeply personal event in Curtis' life.
I would not be sharing more of this had I not known that Curtis expressed to me before he passed away that he wanted his story told. You have read on previous posts (My Hero- March) how I have described a little about the great change that Curtis experienced in his life. He went from being a verbally and emotionally abusive person who loved God but did not know how to see the change he so longed for, to being so sensitive and kind and truly changed.
If there is a defining moment of change in Curtis' life, I have to say that the event that I am going to describe is probably the catalyst, the launching pad of the turn around that we experienced.
I read somewhere before "these are the best of times, these are the worst of times" I can truly relate. So I will tell you about a day that was truly the worst of the worst, but how God caused it to work together for our good.
One day in October of 2008, I had came home from work and we were getting ready to go out for dinner. I and one of my kids were there, along with Curtis. I can't even remember to this day what Curtis got so angry about all of the sudden, but I found myself in the middle of one of the worst rages that I had experienced with him. As the minutes ticked by, he became angrier and angrier. His fury was mounting. He was yelling at me and cursing, and he stormed through the hall and literally ripped the door of the hinges to our bedroom. I was in the dining area, and he came through the hall and threw the door down the stairs and I believe he went down and got it and threw it again. Then he backed me up against the wall and I saw my life flash before my eyes. I had never been so afraid of Curtis as I was that day. I really and truly thought that his rage was going to take complete control and that I was going to die. In the middle of this, my teen that was home called the police out of fear and the officer came. By then, Curt had already began to calm down, and we assured the office that everything was fine, although he left very reluctantly. Somehow I went on to dinner (after realizing that the cycle had now began and there was little I could do to resolve the situation)
Somehow over the next few days when the reality of what happened began to sink down into Curtis's mind, he became very broken and finally admitted that he needed help. He crashed to the lowest low and had it not been for God, I am not sure that he would have came out of the swirling cesspool of condemnation and guilt and shame. At his lowest, he begin to cry out for help. A recommendation came for a Christian psychologist, and he began to see her, after being diagnosed with mood disorder and possible bi-polar condition, along with OCD, Curtis begin to find answers to the things that had plagued him all of his life. He began to for the first time be able to control his anger and rage. He began going to a therapist who really made great strides with him as Curtis became open and honest about the rage and the bitterness that was inside of him. Curtis began to see the faint gleam of the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Curtis began to be accountable to his mentor and began to truly listen to the advice and the wisdom that his mentor shared with him.
Life finally began to take new meaning with Curtis. Here he was, had been born again for 17 years and had such a heart after the Father, but never receiving the freedom he so longed for till now. Over time, with medication and appointments, he started seeing changes that became evident to those closest around him. The changes that he encountered had an amazing effect on our kids. Over the period of the next year and into the months that he was diagnosed with cancer, Curtis was truly a different person. He was so much softer around the edges. The sarcastic outlook that he had melted away. The judgmental and critical air that he carried was gently blown away. The true heart came to the forefront. I had seen this heart periodically during our marriage, but for it to be constant and so consistent was mind-boggling.
I share this traumatic day with you in hopes that you will look past the anger and the rage, and realize that we all have areas that we need to overcome. If this blog does anything to you, I hope that it will impact you enough to know that change is inevitable if one is teachable. Please do not hold this against Curtis. I don't. I have forgiven long ago and that is the only way I can even share this time with you. Do I deal with the pain of the memory? Yes, at times, but as time goes along, Christ is taking the pain out and allowing me to the broken man behind the memory.
Don't feel sorry for me. I hurt yes, I cried many, many tears. But I have decided that I will be Curtis's voice. I will tell his story, for if one person is healed because of his testimony, then I will be able to have the courage to keep telling it again and again. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for the Lord is with me.
A catalyst motivates and moves a person, and in Curtis' case, it was the driving force that pushed him right into the path of healing.
Thank you
Renae
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Happy Father's Day...
Another painful first today, and I think that I will convey this best by just writing Curtis a letter.
My dear Curtis,
Today I face the first Father's Day without you. My heart is crushed and feels like once again it has been shattered into a million pieces, although I am not sure how many more times it can feel this way. If I am feeling this way, I cannot imagine what our children are feeling and experiencing. Today I mourn and grieve for my children's father. For the man who would love them with such a huge love. For the man who would spend hours praying over them. Baby, our kids are so amazing. You have imparted in them a love and a hunger for God. The last few years of your life, you allowed God to change and mold you in such a way that it will forever be tattooed on our children's heart, that they have seen with their own eyes how a man can lay aside the things that holds him in bondage and become free. That my dear husband is a treasure that they will never forget and I will never forget.
Curtis, yes there is a hole in our hearts. Our children miss you so much, they try to be strong, but only if they could realize that it is in the tears and the letting go that they will be able to move forward but yet keep the legacy you have given them. Today is going to be hard for them, but with God's strength we will make it through. Thank you for giving me these treasures from heaven. Well, I know there is so much more that I want to say, but the words are having trouble getting from my heart to my hands.
I love you very much Curtis. Thank you for being a godly dad and for leaving a legacy. I miss you and our children miss you so very much.
Happy Father's Day
love
Me
My dear Curtis,
Today I face the first Father's Day without you. My heart is crushed and feels like once again it has been shattered into a million pieces, although I am not sure how many more times it can feel this way. If I am feeling this way, I cannot imagine what our children are feeling and experiencing. Today I mourn and grieve for my children's father. For the man who would love them with such a huge love. For the man who would spend hours praying over them. Baby, our kids are so amazing. You have imparted in them a love and a hunger for God. The last few years of your life, you allowed God to change and mold you in such a way that it will forever be tattooed on our children's heart, that they have seen with their own eyes how a man can lay aside the things that holds him in bondage and become free. That my dear husband is a treasure that they will never forget and I will never forget.
Curtis, yes there is a hole in our hearts. Our children miss you so much, they try to be strong, but only if they could realize that it is in the tears and the letting go that they will be able to move forward but yet keep the legacy you have given them. Today is going to be hard for them, but with God's strength we will make it through. Thank you for giving me these treasures from heaven. Well, I know there is so much more that I want to say, but the words are having trouble getting from my heart to my hands.
I love you very much Curtis. Thank you for being a godly dad and for leaving a legacy. I miss you and our children miss you so very much.
Happy Father's Day
love
Me
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