“When my world is breaking, I’ll never leave your hands…”

This is a line from one of my favorite songs called “Your hands” by J.J. Heller.  It talks about even though we sometimes we ask God a thousand ways to make our pain go away, we are still in His hands.  It is a beautiful song and so reminded me this morning that I am still in the Father’s hands.

Sometimes it seems like I only blog on the bad days, and I guess that is when the pain is the worst and this is truly an outlet for me to release some of the pain, but I promise that I will write more about the good times that we are experiencing as well.  In fact, let me go ahead and start this blog out with some highlights from the past few weeks.

The kids and I have been making some improvements around the house, and have had carpet put in several rooms, including the living room. They are thrilled with it and love the new look. We are going to add some of Caleb’s photography prints to the walls. He is going to pick out some of his best work.  This past week we also put up a canvas gazebo outside and hope to have lots of time just hanging out.  We had family over for Easter and watching even my older kids do an Easter egg hunt was just hilarious.   We have had times of laughing and fun, we have gone on a 5 mile bike ride and plan to do more.  Yes, we are healing- gradually and at different rates, but healing is with us I know.

So there are lots of positive things that we are experiencing. God is so good and his mercy is new every day. That is why I know that days like today, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will carry me through this day as well.

 Last night the weather people were calling for some major storms to come through with tornado warnings, and had already been much damage in the states west of us.  Last night I longed so much for my husband’s calm demeanor during storms. He never let a storm rattle him. He loved storms, and I would often find him out on the deck or outside watching the lightning. I know, not the safest place, but that was Curtis.  So last night I just wanted to hear his calm assurance that we would be ok and that he would be praying. Everything was ok, and I guess he was looking out for us in heaven, but so miss him.

Yesterday, I found out that I didn’t get an internal position that I had applied for at work, and I guess I was a little down about it, even though I didn’t mean to be. I had prayed and trusted God that if this wasn’t what He wanted me to do then the door would shut and it did.  I guess not being able to be comforted again by Curtis really hurt. So reading back through what I have written here, I am finding a common thread. That I am being triggered today by my lack of comfort from my husband’s arms.  My heart aches because I can’t feel him physically with me.  Tomorrow makes 3 months since he passed away, and while I can say definitely it is easier now; it is still hard at times if that makes sense.  I am sure that the days where I could cry at any given second will be here for a while, and I am glad for them. I will find a place today where I can be alone and have a good cry, for the tears help to release the pain that tumbles around in my heart trying to find a place to land.

So here is my heart- you see the good and the bad. You hear about the tears and the pain, but it I pray that you also see the hope that I have in our heavenly Father, for it is to Him that I give all the glory and praise for bringing me through these rainy days and the sunny days.  I am not afraid to get the umbrella out. I know that He is with me, and I carry Curtis in my heart every moment of the day. And I will never leave God’s hands.

Renae

My Focus...

This past week, I have been struggling with some things, and thought I would just be transparent with you. I know if I am struggling, that there are others who may be as well.  I am still adjusting to Curtis not being here, and I am sure that the adjustment period will take quite some time. I still find myself wanting to call him to let him know when I will be home, still miss him immensely.  There are days when I still do not want to get out of bed.  


I posted this on facebook the other day, when your focus is inward, your vision becomes blurry.  I find that when I begin to focus only on the grief and how much I miss Curtis, then my focus on Christ becomes blurry. I begin to feel like I am far from Him.  I know that some of you will tell me that it hasn't been even 3 months yet, and that I can expect to be inward focused because all of this is still so raw and painful. And I suppose that there is validity to that.  I know that I can't expect to be healed totally in such a short period of time, but I think what I am trying to get at is this.  I have a choice to make every day.  I can choose to withdraw into my hiding place of my heart where the bleeding and the pain is constant.  I make a choice every day how much time I am going to spend in the rooms of my heart that sees the agony of Curt's last day with us.  I make that choice. I know that the pain I feel may drive me to making that choice more than I want to on some days.  But when I choose to stay in the darkness, in the shadows of  the heaviness and smothering blanket of grief for extended periods of time, then my focus on Christ- my DELIVERER- becomes blurry.


So many times, Jesus would pray for eyes to be opened in the Gospels.  I know that many times this was physically, but also it was spiritually as well. When we are blinded, or our vision is blurry, we don't see things the right way.  I know this sounds like, duh yeah, but really think about this.  Whether it be grief from losing one that you loved so much, or heartache from a failed relationship, financial difficulties,or addictions- when we put all our focus on the problem, then we don't focus on the answer- Jesus. 


So, my struggle is this: I have found in the past week that I have felt more of a depression that is trying to settle in, a spirit of heaviness that threatens to weigh me down like a winter coat on a hot summer day.  Yeah, some depression is normal with grief. I am not denying that. But again, I have to keep reminding myself that I will not become a slave to grief.  If I become a slave, chained to the loss, then my vision will be blurred and I will not see clearly what God's will is for my life.   If you find that you are struggling with situations that really have your focus totally on the problem, let me encourage you today to find someone that you can talk to, someone who will pray with you and who will stand by you. Make the choice to live and not die. Make the choice that you will have sharp vision, eagle eyes.  I am making the same decisions even now. I am sure that I will fail on days. But even if I fall, I can run back to God and into His arms. Will you do the same? 


Thank you for being with me on this journey. It is a process of growing and changing.  I pray that you are blessed and helped by something I write. 


Renae

another letter to Curtis

4-14-2011

Dear Curtis,

As I sit here at your grave today, with tears streaming down my face, I wonder how in the world do these feelings come on so unexpectedly?? I mean one day I am feeling like I really have made progress and here I am today running to your grave to tell you that life isn’t fair – to wonder how I am going to make it?  I know I will make it, somehow in the back of my mind, I know it.  But right now at this moment what I feel is the pain of losing you; at this moment as I look at your grave – I feel empty and alone. Needing to hear you call my name – needing to feel your arms around me. I even would not mind to hear you fuss… but I can’t.

I stare at this plot of land to which I now hold a deed, but knowing it holds the love of my life.  I know that this is only just your shell- your earth suit that is lying in this ground covered by spring grass.  I know that you – Your Spirit Man- are enjoying majesties untold.  You are sitting at Jesus’ feet. Yes, my mind knows that but my heart breaks just the same.

The kids and I are trying to heal, and I know your extended family is as well.  Curtis Baby, I can hear you say “It takes time” but I guess I want to be whole right now. I miss the way you held my hand while we were driving – the way you sent me texts just to say you love me.  I miss the You that you had became over the past few years and wondering why you couldn’t stay a little longer.  I never really got to tell you good-bye, but I guess maybe because it really isn’t goodbye, but just “see ya later”  I am so proud of how far you had came. But the day we rushed you to the hospital, I had no clue it was your last day.

So as I sit here – listening to the birds singing, feeling the breeze on my face and letting the sun warm my body, Baby, I know that although your body lies in this grave, your spirit is always with me.  Comfort me in my dreams, will you please? Take away some of the pain. I want to think what would you have done? -when I am faced with a decision with the kids, but the stark reality is that the decisions all lay upon my shoulder now. But I know, my dear husband, that the greater one is with me and will guide me always. I have to trust in Abba – our Father. You can revel in His glory- I know that one day I will join you. But for now, I will face this day with my heart bared for the world to see, not hiding the pain, but also not hiding the faith that I know lies within. Curtis, I love you. You are in my heart and on my mind and really truly are my inspiration.

Renae

A good day...

Last night, I was looking over my pictures  from our Florida trip.  We went from January 3-8, and Curtis passed away on January 29, 3 weeks after we got back. We had lots of fun during our trip. Curtis really pushed himself to get out every day to get out to go to whatever park we were going to that day. He did not complain even though I knew that it was so difficult for him to just get out of the bed. He was a real trooper. He wanted to get the electric wheel chair so he could drive it around and would not have to inconvenience any of us to push him around.  There was one day that they were out of electric wheelchairs, and it really bothered him that I had to push him in a standard wheelchair. He was so concerned about all of us.


There were more symptoms developing even while we were there. But Curt was determined not to have to call the doctor. On Thursday, we had lots of visitors and earlier in the week, our old neighbors came to visit and Curtis was so thrilled to know that people cared enough to come and see us while we were in Orlando. On Thursday, the condo was filled with friends who came to pray for Curt and to just love on him.  Everyone who came had to drive at least an hour and half.  This touched his heart so greatly. He told me how humbled he was that people cared for us. After the prayer where Bishop Troy Miller and the others prayed for him, he began to feel better.  His color was better and the pain levels went down to almost zero! The rest of that evening he looked healthy and enjoyed dinner with friends.


This day was such a blessing. Friday the pain began to come back and by Saturday when we came home, He began to be sick again.  After that, each day became worse.  I am so grateful for this day that he had where he felt normal and was surrounded by the love of his friends.  To all of you who visited that week and that Thursday, thank you so very much. I know the prayers were fervent and they were passionate. Being surrounded by such powerful love from God's people was amazing. I know it was for Curtis. I don't know how many times he told me that Thursday evening that he was a blessed man. 


So it was a good day on Thursday, January 6, 2011. I experienced a "normal" day with my husband and thanks to everyone who played a part in us being at Disney - Curtis once again experienced the bond of unity among friends. Everyone who gave finances for us to go or prayed for us during this time, you sowed into the creation of memories that will never be forgotten by me or the children. Thank you again for a good day. 


Renae

words don't come easy...

You know, I have heard some people say that a sudden death is worse to deal with than a slow death, but I believe that both kinds of deaths deal with its own set of issues.   No matter how much you think you might be prepared when someone has cancer and doesn't receive a healing here on earth, it is NEVER any easier.
Because nothing can prepare you for the feelings of inadequacies and the waves that come crashing down upon you when you lose a loved one.

Nothing can prepare you for seeing your children hurt - each in a different way. To see them trying to work through panic attacks, to see them experiencing moods that you haven't seen in them in a long time.  To hear them say how much they miss their daddy.  Nothing in this world can prepare your heart to hear that come out of your child's mouth.   Nor can there be anything that would let you know that in any given minute or hour that you can experience such extreme emotions, and then feel them seemingly all at the same time. Going from laughing and joking one minute to sobbing the next.  To those who are casually observing, it appears that everything is going well, that we are really ok, but those closest know that it is a struggle to put on a smile. To laugh when you want to scream.

There is nothing that will prepare you to have moments when time stops and for a split second, you think you heard him call your name.  When you are serving dinner and start to fix him a plate. To hear the phone ring and for a flash, think it is him calling.

I am trying to work through all these things and for the most part feel that I am moving forward.  As for my kids, there are days that I wish they would just break down and sob, at least I could see some type of outward sign that they are releasing the grief.  Really and truly there are no words that can describe the pain and the adjustments that we are attempting to make right now.  Continue to pray for us.  Pray for my kids. Stay involved with their lives.  Let my kids know that you are praying for them.  I know you are praying and we are so grateful for that. It has meant so much to be surrounded with your prayers and your friendship.

Thank you for reading, and maybe soon there will be a happier blog. It is a process and we will continue to move forward.  God's grace will carry us through the weak moments.
Renae

my bleeding heart....

Well it has been an interesting past 4 days.  Not quite sure what to think about it all, but I thought maybe sharing might make it a little easier.  My first part of last week was pretty good. Then as the week progressed, i began to see some signs that maybe we were not as far along as we thought. 


When I started seeing a counselor after Curtis' death, he warned that it was normal in the grieving process to be mad and angry at times.  I thought, well ok. I am not normally an angry person so I thought that maybe I would skip over that part of grief. Have done pretty good, up till last week.  I had been irritated several times but not really angry.  Thursday evening, I got upset at the kids because of a chore issue, then Friday evening, 2 of my kids got really angry with each other and said things and did things that are not like them at all.  Then I got upset and angry with them!  Now this may sound like just normal anger and not grief related, but I believe that the grief has exaggerated the anger. Later that evening, I found myself very angry with Curtis of all people!  He had nothing to do with the argument over the chores.  Well, not directly.  I became angry because Curtis was the motivator at our house.  In the past year, he had really tapped in on how to motivate the right way, with not using anger, but just by talking to the kids and being firm in a good way.  So he kept the house running with chores and stuff even when he could not physically do anything in the house - just by reminding the kids of things they needed to do, and by just being here for them when they come home from school. 


So I was angry at Curtis for dying, for leaving me here - the non-motivator- to deal with the kids and with chores.  I was angry because now I have to make decisions on my own. I was mad that he died!! Please hear my heart my friends.  I know this sounds so not like me for those of you who know me well. But once I began to put my finger on why I was mad and upset, I was able to work through it.  I am not a yeller or a screamer, but on Friday evening, I had turned into a raging lunatic!!!  But thank God, that once again, He carried me through this little tantrum period and I was able to think rationally and move forward.  


For those of you who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, either by death, divorce, or dealing with something else that has brought you grief.  It is ok to be angry, to feel the raw emotions of a bleeding heart, to hurt and to long for relief.  Please don't become a slave to the anger though. Don't even become a slave to grief.  Grief in itself is healthy but when we become chained to grief it is not a good thing.  Reach out to someone.  Most of all reach out to the Father. 


Eventually the bleeding will stop in my heart and I will be healed. I know that.  I have full confidence in my Saviour.  Till the bleeding stops, I will press on and I will continue to work through these things, and it is my prayer that you will find the courage to do so as well. 


Blessings
Renae

Lively stones....diamond in the rough

1 Peter 2:5
"You also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ"

A friend shared this scripture with me this week after she read my last blog, My Hero.  When she shared this with me, immediately I remembered a dream that I had concerning Curtis in 2004.  We had moved to Florida in obedience to the Father, but we were struggling in our marriage. It seemed as though everything was an argument and my walls were thick as the wall of China.  I felt that Curtis and I were never going to be free of the vicious cycle that we were in.  I thought seriously about leaving and coming back to NC and leaving him there.  Just being honest with you.  I felt like I was a walking zombie.  One night I had a dream. God showed me a piece of coal. But then he cracked open the coal and showed me a diamond inside.  He said, "this is Curtis.  He has many rough edges on him, but I want to smooth the rough edges and put him on display as a precious diamond for the world to see." WOW!  When I woke up, I asked God to help me to be patient and to help me as he began the smoothing of the rough edges. I knew that this would not be a very pleasant time, as pruning and sanding down edges can be a painful process.  And yes, it did get worse before it got better, but I can honestly say at that time, God began to change me on the inside. He began to show me a different way, and although it took me several years before I really could say that things were changing in me, I know that the changes that took place prepared me for the changes that took place in Curtis over the past 2 years.

Please hear my heart. I would never recommend to anyone to stay in a verbally abusive situation.  But in MY case, this is what the Father had me to do.  I am certainly glad that I obeyed even if it took years for me to see results on both my side and his.   Seeing this, I can truly say that Curtis was made like a living stone, that he was built into a spiritual house, a place where my children and I could find refuge and safety that we longed for.  It was because of his spiritual sacrifices, the sacrificing of his anger and bitterness, that he was raised up to be a priest of our home.

Please continue to pray for us, the pain is great at times. There are days when I am at a loss with the kids, and I am sure they feel that way about me as well. Pray for Curtis' family too. I know that they are grieving the loss of a brother and son.  Pray for my children that they will find their own way to grieve and that they won't be afraid to grieve.  In your praying though, pray that we will not become a slave to grief.  I need strength and wisdom.  Thank you all so very much.

Renae