One Month.....

Since there is not 29 days in February this year, I guess the official one month anniversary of Curt's death is tomorrow, but my heart sure feels like it is today. I told you when I started blogging that this is a place for me to share my heart, to share the pain, and how God is bringing me through. So this blog might not be pretty, but it is raw cause that is how I am feeling tonight. 

When I woke up this morning, I was faced with this overwhelming feeling of missing Curtis.  I had a doctor's appointment and knew I had things to do, but I took the time for the wave to wash over me and allowed myself to feel the pain. It felt like a searing hot knife tearing my heart, but after a short time, I felt a soothing from the Father. I have talked about these waves in a previous blog. So mentally, there are times I know that I need to feel the pain other times I run from it. 

Later this morning, I had to go through some bills and one of them was a detailed bill from the hospital from his admission and death. Going through how the bill was chronologically organized, I could see the different medicines, and the different procedures, and felt the trauma again of what he was enduring at that particular time. That was hard too. 

Then I was at home this afternoon alone, and was listening to some teachings on cd, and thought I would take a nap.  I was in the recliner that Curtis always sat in when he was in the living room. Fell asleep but it was as if I was drugged, kept feeling like I wanted to wake up but couldn't.  Then had a troubling dream. Dreamed that Curtis was in the recliner, but it was in a different house, he was talking to his sister, and i reached over to hold his hand like i had so many many times done before. but in the dream, he did not even know I was there. He did not know I was trying to hold his hand. so in the dream, I started crying and that is what woke me up.  Needless to say, I got right up and found my anointing oil and anointed the chair and prayed over it and myself.  So, my day has been a very emotional one for sure. 

Then sitting down to write this blog, I started looking over my f/b pictures, looking over our disney trip, knowing exactly how he was feeling in each of the pictures. Knowing that on the Thursday that everyone visited him that he had several hours of being almost totally pain free. What a blessing that was.  But also looking at some of the other pictures and knew that he was struggling so badly. 
So, i began crying again. Listened to some of "our" songs, cried some more and here I am.  Yes I hurt. I know that at least one of my kids had a rough day as well.  But through the fog, I know that I am being held. It is like the pain is very sharp and in the forefront, but deep down, I sense the Father holding me and reminding me once again of my roots. They are deep and this day of the wind blowing and the branches bending, will not cause me to topple.  

So I grab hold of Daddy's hand and refuse to let go. I will survive and I will keep standing. By His strength and not my own.
Renae

The power of a friend...

During these past few years, Curtis really came to know how important friends are.  In the past, he used to say as long as he had me and the kids, he didn't need close friends.  But over the past few years as he began to move from mentoring relationships into friendships, he began to so appreciate the value of having a close friend. He began to look at relationships in a different light and allowed other people to pour into him, as well as he pouring into them. It became a mutual relationship and Curtis began to grow and flourish.  


Since last June there was a close friend named David J who would call or text Curtis every day.  These calls and texts were priceless.  Curtis would look forward to hearing from David. It usually wasn't a long phone call, most of the time, just encouragement from both of them and usually a prayer.  But it meant the world to Curtis. 


 There were so many people who would email us or call to check on us, or post a comment on Facebook.  Those seemingly "small" things were gigantic to us.  Knowing that people were praying and that they truly cared opened our hearts for more of God's love to be dumped into us.  People allowing God to love through them - AMAZING!   God is love, so when we love others we are giving God.   I want to encourage you today, to reach out to someone today. It doesn't take a million dollars nor huge acts of kindness. It takes a phone call, a text, a hug, a card. Those things are tremendous.  To every one who has prayed a prayer, made a phone call, sent a flower, a card, gave a hug.... Thank you. I know that you made a difference in Curtis' life and you continue to make a difference in mine.  Keep reaching out to others, because you are Jesus' hands here on this earth. You are His BODY!


Renae

"the oak tree"

I am going to share with you today the message that was on a card that I received from my mom's medical office a few days before Curtis died. This card really encouraged me, and I hope it brings encourages you as well. 


"The oak tree.. a message of encouragement."


A mighty wind blew night and day.  it stole the oak tree's leaves away, Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark until the oak was tired and stark. But still the oak tree held its ground While other trees fell all around. The weary wind gave up and spoke,  'how can you still be standing, Oak?' The oak tree said, 'I know that you can break each branch of mine in two, carry every leaf away, shake my limbs, and make me sway. But i have roots stretched in the earth, growing stronger since my birth.  you'll never touch them, for you see, they are the deepest part of me.  Until today, I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure. But now I've found, with thanks to you, I'm, stronger than I ever knew." 




When I received this card, I begin to think about my roots, and how I knew I was firmly planted. I have prayed for so long that I would be like a tree planted by the water, that I will not be moved and I will not be shaken by anything that comes against me.  There have been days where I felt some of my branches snapped off, felt naked in the wind, with all my leaves blown away. Days where I have felt like if the wind kept blowing and thrashing me that surely I would just blow away. But my root system is strong. My faith is strong in the Father. This didn't come overnight. I keep saying over and over that trust and faith is a daily decision.  Roots don't grow deep in just a few days.  


This is a lifelong commitment that I have made to the Father. Every day, my roots grow a little deeper.  I want to encourage you today. The hurricanes may be blowing your tree, you may be standing naked in the gales, but know my friend, that your roots run deep. When you have been watered by God himself, and the SON has shined in your life, then you have what it takes to weather the storms.  Your root system is strong, the roots are deep. Draw from that fact, and know that no matter what comes against you, when you look way deep down, your roots in Christ will sustain and keep you. 


If you don't have these roots we are talking about, all it takes is making a choice to allow God to be able to start growing you and maturing you. Take one step toward the Father and He will meet you. I promise. 


Still Standing
Renae

the little things....

it has been a good day.... up till tonight.  Just sitting here thinking of little things that I miss about Curtis, and thinking about how much they meant to me.  Little things like him coming to tell me good night and kissing me before I went to bed... then how the last few weeks of his life, the role was reversed and I didn't go to bed till I made sure he was in his recliner with his CPAP mask on, or else he would fall asleep without it. Making sure he had a blanket and was comfortable.  Little things like coming home for lunch every day and sharing some of our most beneficial talking time. Talking about living and dying. Talking about healing - would it be here, or would it be in heaven.  Talking about the changes that we both had seen in each other. Lunch time won't be the same now. 

I miss the little things like how the house smelled when he was fixing his famous spaghetti sauce, or his roast and potatoes.  how now, I find it hard to get back into cooking on a regular basis. Missing hearing him snore in his recliner while we were watching tv.  The little things like how he was so meticulous about so many things.  from how he outlined in his bible to how his drawers were organized.  And wondering what he would say if he could see how cluttered his desk is now. reaching for the phone to call your number then realizing that I no longer would need to call to let you know i was on my way home.  then calling anyway just to hear your voice when it was strong and there was no disease in your body.  Missing the way that you smelled when you wore Tommy cologne :) and still spraying it in your closet to feel near you. 

I am not trying to depress you at all, just was thinking of all these things, and it really does help to write them out. If for no one else, for me.  I know that I will have these times of missing the little things, and I know that it is normal. These things will be remembered and cherished for many years to come.  I also know that in the middle of all the remembering, that I must still practice peace. it is a balancing act for sure.  Falling apart, but not totally. Knowing that I can depend on our heavenly Father to bring me through the hard times. the good times and the cherished times.  

Find those little things about those who are closest to you. pay attention to them. cherish them and hold them close to your heart.  It truly is the little things that matter the most. 

Renae

riding the wave or not....

Lately I have been experiencing quite a few different kind of "waves".  I have had waves of sadness where all I wanted to do is just cry; I have had waves of anger, I have ridden the wave of pity and anguish. I have also experienced waves of kindness and compassion from others. Waves of loneliness, waves of memories....All kinds of waves that come and go. I have learned that these are all normal and that it is ok to ride the wave and then let it crash down on you.  But sometimes I have felt like my daughter Faith in her recent posting on her facebook page when she said sometimes you don't want the wave to crash down on you because it is harder to get up when you fall. 


I had one of those waves the other night.  I was by myself and  I began to feel all kinds of emotions all at one time. It began to build into a crescendo, climbing higher and higher.  All the emotions I mentioned above all seemed to hit me at one time. I don't really know how to explain it, except you know when you are watching surfers and they are waiting for that big wave to come, they see it coming from a long ways out then they quickly get in the water so they can catch it before it crashes.. Well, I could sense the wave getting larger and larger, I began to feel a panic and fear, so I knew this was not good.  I didn't say a long prayer or even have time to call a prayer partner.  All I did was say Jesus, I need your help now.   In an instant, when it seemed as though the wave was frozen over my head and I could feel the splash of the spray of despair, it disappeared.  It ended. The fear, the panic, it all ceased.  I felt relief. Thank you Jesus!  


Now, I know that like I said before, it is ok to ride waves when they hit me. Waves of loneliness and waves of missing my husband.  Ride the wave, let it crash down on me, feel the pain and then get up and move forward again. But when a tsunami like the one I was sensing came, I knew that it was something meant to bring harm to my life. Not just a wave of emotion, but an attack from the enemy.  It is knowing and sensing these things in the spirit that will allow me to know when to fight back and when to feel the pain.  Holy Spirit is my comfort and teacher, but He is my guide and my deliverer as well.  Jesus has given me authority in His name to stand up against the evil one and draw the line. Actually, the line was already drawn in blood by my precious Saviour.  


It is ok to feel the pain of losing a loved one, the pain of disappointment and the pain of loneliness. But when the enemy comes in like a flood, the spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him. Isaiah 59:19. 
Knowing when to ride the wave or not is of utmost importance. 
Renae

reflecting...

Today, I am going to share something from my personal journal that I wrote on 1-18-11.  This is painful, but I am sharing this bits from my journal, because my entire reason for writing this blog is to be of a help to someone else. I don't want to waste my pain.  I want to help others.  Maybe you feel that you are facing something that is totally impossible, but I want to show you that when you can trust God, that all things are possible.  


January 18,2011 11:49 pm
My dear Abba,
Tonight has been a rough night for Curtis. Actually all day has been rough. Today was the last day of experimental treatment. But it was hard. and seeing my husband so disoriented and confused is so hard to bear and watch.


Daddy, oh my Daddy (my reference to my Father God) I am so torn.  I want to see him whole and walking in your power and your anointing - yet i hate to see him suffer so much. I am in between two feelings.  If I am doubting, I ask you to reveal it to me. IF I am sensing correctly, then I want to know. 


Oh my Daddy, continue to pour out your love and mercy to both of us.  Let me face whatever I must face - in your strength and never my own.  You are my source and my supplier of every good thing. 


I love you so much my dear Abba- I know that whatever lies ahead - I can conquer and face because of you. 
I love you-my heart is yours,
Renae


Hindsight is 20/20 they say, but looking back now, I wouldn't have said anything different in this journal entry. Every day, my heavenly Father carried me. Days I was very weak emotionally, but He carried me. He strengthened me.  I could not have imagined even 5 years ago that I would be able to walk through the traumatic death of my husband, and be able to write about it to encourage others.  


If you gain anything by reading my thoughts and feelings, my prayer is that you will glimpse into my heart, and see that faith is simply trusting God. Believing His word, when it says that he will cause all things to work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.  I pray that you will know that it is possible to trust Him. It is possible to walk by faith and not by sight. Even when the ending is not what we thought it should have been, we can still overcome.  I am not a super-christian, I make mistakes all the time. I blow it, I find myself wallowing in pity. But when the dust settles, what makes me an overcomer is when i get back up and run to my Father and not away from Him. No matter what.  
You can do the same. it is a choice.  Choose wisely.  
blessings
renae

good day/bad day

Confusing title I know, but I will explain.  

The bad first:  I am sick, physically.  The dr thinks it is the flu, so I have been taking it easy, trying to rest and drink lots of fluid. I am missing my hubby giving me a hug, telling me that I need to rest. Telling me that he will fix dinner for me. He was sympathetic when I was sick, with him going through so much- he had compassion.  Even in his last few weeks, he still tried to fix dinner for me one night. In the past few years, Curtis had changed so much. He became so much more thoughtful of me and the kids. He truly allowed God to change him from the inside out. He talked so much about the miracle he had already received, the miracle of inner healing.  I will talk more about that in the days to come.

  But back to the bad day/good day.  So being sick today and missing my husband's compassionate hug and his thoughtfulness was not good.  But there were good things today too.  This morning, it felt like a shift in my healing in the grief process. Let me see if I can explain.  it wasn't something big, no loud sound from heaven. Rather it was the lack of expecting to see Curtis in his chair. It was a comfort in my heart rather than the razor sharp pain that has been there.  Not saying that I don't still feel the razor sharp pain, but getting a small break from it was wonderful.  another good thing was realizing that I am looking forward to more ministry work. I had settled in my heart, with or without Curtis, I would move forward in ministry. Today, I felt an excitement deep within.  And yes, the peace remains.  The peace that has been greater than any peace that man can think of giving. 

My kids have been such a joy in my life, and they continue to do so. They are such good kids. they are finding ways to vent, ways to express their grief. Talking to their dad on F/B, playing the drums (yes, all of them take turns) they are finding ways and they are helping me in the process. 

so i will take the good and the bad...